Num to the pain

Every year around this time of year ( nov 12-dec 23) is always an emontional time of year for me a few good and many sad and hard times around this time have come about my birthday for the last twenty years ( starting at age 5) has been a day i no longer lookfoward to because people have died on it my granddad ( Don's father) and best died on my 5th birthday and twenty years later it still lhurts like it was yesterday and than on my 11th borthday my kiki died ( mom's mom) and kiki was my backbone and my seource of strength for so long that it still hurts knowing that my birthday is when she went home and than on my 13th my elder mentor from church died and than on my 17th birthday my cusin commited sucide on my birthday and although yes its been years since they have died but yet the hurt and the pain never have gone away well this sure i got the plusre of adding a funeral to my birthday my great aunt was barried yesterday on birthday, which has been another dealing in itself, any way i thought i had finally nub my self to hurt and the pain of birthday but i find that to be the furest thing from the truth right because all i have wanted to do is cry but i have been having to put on act of "im good" or "im ok" because i hate showing how i really feel and i hate being emontional infront of other people and i have had so many tell that its not allowed or whatever and that time will heal my pain which if that was the truth than why am i still hurting years later and i also wounder if the pain will ever go away.................... people always tell me to be happy on my birthday but honestly i just cant and you cant understand untill you have someone die on your birthday i just wounder if God is playing some evil mean joke on me for this or if h eeven likes me