fathers day............. a mildstone...............

I hope everyone had a good fathersday even for those of you where its a hard day like it is for me i hope something made you smile most of you know me and father never have gotten along and about 3 yrs ago i deicded to stop seeing him and or talking to him which was one that had always killed me and made me cry and i could never sit through church service for any length with out leaving early going back to my room and just breaking down and crying like a baby well yesterday was a huge mildstone for me in my 25 1/2 years on this earth as i set in the church in a small town i saw dads playing with their kids and them talking about their child was eaither daddys boys or girl and my heart melted with a joy of what i hope to have someday when i get married well i told the preacher please dont get offended if i leave early he knew why i would if i do and so i knew it would be okay if i did and well to my surpise i was able to surrive the serman with out one tear shed or even leaving this huge step for me because it means im getting stronger everyday and that couldnt happen with out the support of my friends and this preacher and God he is the main reason why im so strong and it felt good to know i can handle this in small doses i choose to spend the rest of the day in the apt because i really jsut couldnt handle being out in big crowds and although i never did cry another mildstone its still a hard day but it never came more clearer than when no matter what tv station or radio station i listend to or watched they were talking about how great fathers are and i can truthful say i dont know personally i see what others have i think that will always make me a little jelous and my heart will always have a hole in it since my birth father abbanded me in a since and my adotive father didnt want me from the start but yet i can see the joy in my friends and the men i see who truly love their kids and in another mildstone i have gone to church, the same church might i add 3 weeks in row but still so much weights on my mind right now but thats for another day