i have become what i feared i would become and i dont know how to change

this post might offend some of you out there but please read all the way though and if it does im sorry Other half i have to give you credit for this one you got me thinking...... Im truly amazed at how christians act on sunday vs the rest of the week we claim to be followers of Christ and Love him and our neibors uncondtionaly and yet we fail at that i know im not the brighest of people but here is what i mean we put others down if they do things differently from the way we do it b/c we think our way is the only right way to do stuff guess what were wrong.... i have attend serval different demontions of christianity in my life from Cathloic to Luthren to United Medthodiest and Medthodiest to Presbytrain to Bapist to COC and i cant believe how hard we are as christians to our brothers and sisters i have seen churches tear each other up for doing things different in some churches i have walked up for common in others its given to me i have gone to churches where women yes women have preached * gasp* to having insstumental music to accepella and i never understood why when all claim to have the same faith why we tear people up for not being raised in a certain demonation or for doing stuff defferently from another i have seen churches of the same demonation do this to eachother and it really dosent make any sense to me really Jesus doesnt give care what church you go to honestly it never says any where in the bible that if you arent a memeber of _________ church than your going to hell and it dosent say if you dont do worship this way your going to hell i wounder what would happen if insted of putting eachother down for doing things differently mind you God made everyone single one of us different and called us to be a family than insted playing our demontion is better than yours is game or stoped putting eachother down for it we came togagther to talk about why we do things differently and may be even embracec or even try doing something different from what were used to just to prove my point some of best friends who have helped me grow and learn and be who i am and who God made to be didnt come from one certain demontion they came from all kinds and they are very stong people so do this the next time your putting another demontion down or making of them or someone of that faith take a step back think about it and see how you would feel if someone did that yours and insted may be ask the questions on why they do stuff or even go to a church of different demontion and see how they do stuff you might just might learn something and your eyes just might get opend a little more

WELL FINALS ARE OVER AND I JUST GOT MY GRADES AND OC GAVE ME YET ANOTHER REMINDER OF WHY IM NOT AS SMART AS I THINK I AM AND THAT NO MATTER HOW HARD ILL WORK MY TILL A$$ OFF IT WONT PAY OFF SO IN OTHER WORDS IM JUST WOUNDERING IF ITS WORTH IT ANY MORE AND IM UPSET WITH MYSELF CUZ I WORED SOO HARD AND AND IT DIDNT PAY OFF ANY WAY MOM HAS HAD 6 DATES WITH SAME GUY AND YES I APPROVE AND ME HAPPY FOR HER

hurt

so far on spring break i have been stabbed in the heart about 100 times and slaped in the face about 100 times and bad part is its only wens did i miss a memo saying spring break = lets hurt marge as much as possible w/o causing physical pain to her

makes me wounder

well here something that bugs me i have friends who tell me all the time lets hang out but then we talk about it and then they never call me or ditch me and then others who say lets hang out but never do any thing about it or say after this or after that and makes me wounder if they really wanna hang out with or just saying that cause they dont wanna hurt my feelings but this jsut saying but not doing anything about it or keep pushing me to the back burner hurts more so than anything and keep pushing me back makes me wounder who really enjoys hanging out with and who my real friends are and makes question so much more im not saying im the best person to hang out with or greatest but i think im an alright person to hang out with may be i have it all wrong * vonrader im not talking about you* ps chris im doing while your gone

my friends are amazing

well i guess i should update im offically on azathorpaine which is a chemo drug but i did have a slight improvment so yay for that then i got to have ice cream with plumlee yay for that we have had some really good talks latley and it has been such a blessing speaking of great talks i had one with bro which was really needed and no i will not share with you on here cause im sure someone who reads this get upset with me and im not gonna put up with that right now any way i also had another great talk with plumlee these two guys are aboustly amazing to me im so very lucky to have them as friends and i have some other amazing friends who have been a huge help to me during this very diffcult time and i thank you for that i also have to say beta is amazing i love you girls thanks to those who have been a big help to me with alot stuff you know who you are bro and plumlee thanks for everything you too truly amaze me i love you all other half welll other than knowing me better than anyone your amazing and thanks for everything this year i love you soo much night all

pray

pray for my family

chesse but cute

well i guess its time for an update but im really not in the mood for one so im gonna share a really cute story and post some thing else and make this girly post okay so today im at mercy getting tests done and well i was on my way to the bathroom and this elderly cuple came in and they were holding hands and the man opened the door for her and then i helped hold the door for both them as they went in their spearte bathrooms and i came out before she did and he was waiting for her outside the bathroom and i guess he cant hold things well in one hand cause when she came out she was like let me go over here or and he said no i want to hold your hand and my heart just mealted i can hear all the girls saying awwwww or how cute and i can hear ever guy saying ohh lord chessy okay i stoll this from Jami im so this girl I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you...I'm the girl who likes to be kissed under the stars, more then inside your bedroom or in a expensive resturant...I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss...I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything...I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes...I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and remember each one...I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends...I'm the girl who will listen to you talk...I'm the girl who loves when you hug me for no apparent reason...I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead..I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend...I'm the girl who will always love you...SWEET HEARTED GIRLS : If you are this girl repost this saying "I'm this girl" i have the best two guy friends in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hung out with one of them today and im amazed at how lucky i am to have them as friends

update

welll i guess i should update sorry i have been a lil busy driving back from sa to okc yes im back break also tought me a lot of stuff 1. you cant always count on ur family but you can always count on your friends.............. 2. i spent a lot of time thinking about my faith and relationship with God and i got to talk to the 2 people who know me best in this area and no im not talking about bro although he knows me well im talking about S& G SARAH AND GINNA i know them since i was little and they have always been there for me and i was telling them about my faith and they were so encauring to me the said its okay about church as long as your still praying and reading and believing we want you to go back but only when your ready that was great to hear and to know their there for me it was soo good to see them and now Ginna is a mommy yay and im so thankful for the adivce they and support they have given espolly with some hard dissions i have had to make i lovethem soo much 3. home isnt always the best place to be between my father and his wife and and my grandfather not doing well and my mom its just hard if you wanna know more on this then ask me in person.......... 4. i love my family but i cant be around them as much 5. my other friend sarah tought me one of the best lessons and some she pointed some stuff out to me that i didnt see and i need to do she had to do it too and so its kinda effect it worked for her it will work for me and it what i got to do to get better emontionally 6. I love my close group of friends angie, other half, bro,kp, anna, aubrie yall are amazing i dunno what i would do with out yall i love you sooo much thank you for being there for me

angel

my heart is still sad :( on friday the world lost a very special angel his name Holden Johnson he was 19 years old he could not speak or walk but he loved like no one else i got the word yesterday but your no longer in pain and in a better place that makes me happy i know your watching over meagan and brain Holden Johnson you will be missed you were an angel..........................

no more tears

tomorrow they would be 28 i wish i could be there to see you and talk to you but since i cant till next week forgive me ill come see you then but mom should be there unless she wants me with her she still loves yall and misses you and i know you both are watching over us and my friends and i can only hope yall would be proud of your lil sis who you watched from your home star in heaven with God even though you never meet me love your lil baby sis ps please pray for my mommy today ( the 8th) is extra hard on her and pray for dr. maple too

trying to have no fear

im deffently an emtional girl right now....... i suck......im sorry..... im trying have no fear with everything...........

pray for me

man i have been busy sending kevin off and going home and doing wedding and house stuff all is alright i cant wait till the wedding bff lauren terry is going with me yesss i cant wait

swell i sent my best friend to scotland and yes it was hard but i know he will do amazing things and i cant wait to see how God uses him to bless the people in Scotland and I know God will project him and i know great things are going to happen for both him the people in scotland and me i know im going to grow and learn soo much

good bye

thursday my best friend inthe entire world will be leaving for scotland for two years i know this what he needs to do and had been called to do by God but i it dosent make it any eaiser for me to say good bye to the one person who has always been there for me and knows me inside out and so i ask as he is doing the mission work and blessing the people in scotland i pray that you please keep him in your prayers im so very proud of him and i love you soo very much and dearly thank you for everythingi will never ever forget you please remeber me

thursday my best friend inthe entire world will be leaving for scotland for two years i know this what he needs to do and had been called to do by God but i it dosent make it any eaiser for me to say good bye to the one person who has always been there for me and knows me inside out and so i ask as he is doing the mission work and blessing the people in scotland i pray that you please keep him in your prayers im so very proud of him and i love you soo very much and dearly thank you for everything i will never ever forget you please remeber me

ok i have a problem i have a friend from back home and i need some adivce i was woundering how do you define what a christian is k here is the problem that my bff from back home and she used to be on fire for God however now she isnt and hse doing some stuff that isnt quite so good and very stupid and when i tell i dont approve and that she hurts me she does it any way but i cant leave her cause im basicly her mother she does them any way and she keeps telling that even though she is doing these things she still gonna go to heaven i tell her other wise but she wont listen she says i go to church and that makes me a christian guys please help thanks marge

i hate saying goodbye to my friends but espolly my bff but im so very proud of him

well i havent been my self recently i know im a lil overweleped and stressed but that dosent even normaly keep me from being happy go lucky i guess its the fact i want to be at home but i have to be here but home isnt always the best place eaither for me however i have come to a thought may be im not mys elf because im chainging and growing and some of things that used to make me happy arent or dont and the other thing may be its just that im tired of it all could that be whats wrong with me??? may be im just tired of family and close friends doubting my ability still and people giving up on me or questioning what im doing is the right thing this what could be it???? well hopefully ill get back to being me soon if you have any ideas on what could be wrong with please by all means drop a commet and tell me ps angie and kp yall are amazing

my best

if you are reading this and want to go on as you read dont feel sorry for me or anything just listen with your eyes.... i sit in class take notes, read for classes, take tests, and write papers and i hear from a few friends is that the best you can ask of me is for me to do my best well my best seems to very bad and low and what makes it worst is i will ride high feel good about a test or paper then to come to find out i did really bad on it and i go from feeling good about myself to feeling like crap and its hard for me to see im doing good anywhere i just dont get it may be my mom is right my best isnt goodenough or i need to care yet even more are you kidding me i care so much about everything but its weird how things like what people say about you or papers or tests can get you from feeling good to feeling bad this why i have stoped saying ohh i feel good about it or i owned that test things like this will never happen to me im stopping from thinking like that and may be ill have to do better than my best cause its just not good enough as your reading this dont feel sorry for me cause that wont help just listen may be im a dork or may be not i dunno i just know that when u look at my tests and papers and other espacts of my life my best deffently isnt good enough