7 years

7 years ago i wrote you begging to know you cared even just a little bit that ll i had ever wanted was knowing some where behind your cural words, hateful actions and just plan meaness i meant soemthing to you but a month after i wrote you, you gave me my answer in the most painful hurtful harmful ways a person can be hurt with out physical abuse and what hurt more is that you did it infront of my dear friends, and fam at time that was supposed to be a happy time and i played like you didnt rip my heart and soul apart and that you didnt kill me and killed my child hood dream of being  your child that you would be proud of and claim as yours nooo insted you used your cural words calling me a thing and waste of time and space and how ugly i was and calling me a lair by saying i didnt look sick and that because you couldnt see it you didnt believe just like with my disabilitly because you couldnt see it you didnt believe its not there, thats this was all an act and  that weekend when we last saw eachother when i talk about it, it still hurts and the pain is just as real as the weekend everything went down and i choose to walk away not because i didnt/dont love you because i couldnt and still cant handle anymore of the pain and hurt you caused and still do and i always wounder what on earth i ever did to you and the more i realize in 7 years im not something you would be proud of never have been never will be  but what hurts most of all is i have left this door open for 7 years and line commucation for you to just try one time thats all i ever asked and in 7 years you could never do this not once could you make the affect so my biggest fear and my saddest realization is the fact i never have and never will mean anything to you at all and your supposed to be the one person i could always count on but i never have  and never will
you never knew me never tried to know me
i guess to you all i ever was and ever will be is a waste of time
and im one who left to hurt and suffer but whats sad for you that you choose to miss out and you choose not to love or care and that is saddest thing of all

perfection

last 4 months life has thrown at me litterally everything it possible could have  and i wont get into all of that those who have been around  know what im talking about  and it has meant the world  and ill be honest my depression has been bad latly which is understandable but i hate it cause there times i  have rough days and i cant explain why  im falling apart on the inside but on the outside i look like i have it all togather and that everything is fine and alot of it is me not wanting to deal with it and pretending everything is okay and knowing that i cant fall apart again for it might cost me my friends  and right to me i cant handle that but ohh yesterday had to be the best day  it was perfect  i got to meet a new friend which im excited about i got to spend some good quality time with my best friend  who has been aboustly amazing i really have no idea what i would have done with out his love and support  and just being there for me  that has been speaking valumes on sooo many levels and im soo thankful for you and everything you have done   for the last 10 yrs but espically this last year  thank you friend than i got to have dinner with my sister who i dont get to see every often but cherish the time we do spend togather because she aboustly amazing  and i got to spend 30 mins on the phone ( which is a long time for me) with my other sister and that was just wonderful and im soo thankful for all of you  my dear old friends who know me and who never judged me or put me down or made fun of me im sooo thankful  and most of all im thakful that the stars alined, unisvere/ God all allowed for me to see/talk to you in one day  i know im still dealing with everything and fighting my depression but for one day i can honestly say it was good day i was able to smile my real smile and  know that these days will come back right now they may be few and far between but to know they will come again and yall all had a part to play in it means the world  thank you for sticking by my side and not giving up one  me
i love you more than youll ever know
thank you to Universe/stars/God for allowing a day of perfection

I challange you.............

On wensday the students at my school and even those of us on staff  were at an assymbly  for a movement called  Rachel's Challange which you can go here to find out who rachel is and find out more about the challange which was for students to see past prejudice ie a pre judgment of someone because their different but to actually get to know someone and to go the 2nd mile for people we dont know its easy for all of us to do it for people we do know but its harder when its a stranger and her challange also was to make sure to do or show kindness to everyone you come a cross.
I love this challange and am taking it to heart i have always tried my best to do this and ill be the first to admit im not always the best at it and there times i dont want to or feel i do more than my fair share and i have made judgments of people  but this really touched me in such a way i want issue you the challange to look past your prejudgement  of someone because  you dont agree with on a political stants or about reglion, or faith or may be you dont like someone because of their disability or race  or their size being to big or too small  color hair or the fact that they have tattoos   may be you judged someone for getting a divorce or because they  had a child out of wed lock  but what you more than likely dont know is the why someone thinks the way they do or  why they believe what they believe  or  why they have a disability or  why they are so big or small or why they had a child out of wed lock  or had a divorce   and judging them can come making fun of them to their face or behind their back or even gossiping about them or listening to the gossip with out finding out the truth  you have no idea what that person(s) is going through or how they feel but i urge to not only see past the judgement but to talk to them you never ever know it could change their life who knows it could change your own life  and by doing this not only could possibly make a new friend  but you could see things from others points of view and learn  and grow but also and possible the most imporant thing of all you could  see their soul and  see what kind of person they really are and  who knows you may have planted a seed of kindness in them and in the world..........
the question is do you accept the challange?

Isnt this all a really bad dream?

Isnt this all just bad dream
im still going a million times a minute and feel as though time is going by too slowly and even though the anger, sadness, hurt, frustation, crazyness, confussion and that is all inside me and i havent figured out up from down this side to next  not even sure if everything im enduring is real or is this just a dream i feel as though im laying some where deep asleep and not awake but im watching my life pass by this week but then i wonder if its real because of all the emtions i have  and the tears i have cried seemed real but i feel as this all happening so fast and i have numbed my self to pain and to the fact that this going on but than again i feel as though the talks with friends and people are real but i seem to feel as though the pace making me feel as though as its not real and its just a dream
i still cant believe he is gone  i dont know where he has gone all i feel as though as he with my kiki which helps me move forward but i still havent begain to accept or have hit that this real  i just dont know how to feel think everything going sooo fast and my heart is stuck  not keeping up and i just dont know how or what to think or feel and even know if its real or fake  i dunno im sooo confused i dont even know who i am right now im around people who are laughing and smile and i try to but i just cant find smile and  i dont know when i will  this just dosent seem real  may be this some cural cural joke the unisverse and God are playing on me but im glad he no longer suffering and no longer hating to be here any more  he has left  this world that was not so kind to kind person
i dont even know if im making sense  right now
all know is im in confussed state of mind and i always say im ok
because i dont have a better answer truth be told i dont know how i am because  im going through as is a bad dream or  just not real  my heart dosent even know what to feel
im soo lost right now  i dont know where to start the best thing i can do is be there for others and try to live day to day
but  isnt this all a really bad dream?

heres a little story for you

what do you get when take a tall fit handsome  outgoing guy from the east coast and  shy  quite scared shitless  heavy girl from texas and throw them into a small private christian university   sounds like making of love story or musical but no its the making of  this guy defriending the shy girl and  they become best friends over 10 yrs....  he is her super hero because he stuck by her side through some wonderful highs and some extrame lows  never once made fun of her ( which not something she is used to) she would go see almost all of shows  they  were study buddies  writting buddies by this she would write and stugle to put papers to gather he some how figured out her brain and got them sound  like they should  they stood by each other when their university did some things they didnt agree with he stood by her side as she made some of the hardiest decisons of life by cutting people out she stood by him as he said bye to his mother  they watched each other graduate from college some thing we werent sure if it would ever happen  she watched him get married and finally relize he could not love his wife  the way she wanted  and he found himself     and who he really was and  she cheered him on as he went for a masters degree and became an  freshmen comp teacher at another university. he held her hand as she fought a very weird sickness for 3 years and watched leave to start a life over he helped in very lows at the time despite living in sparte states for a year they knew they eachother  she came back now living in same state for last 3 years they have seen some heavy stuff and they still stick togather  though who knows what the next acts/scenes may be who knows what life will bring them next the music has yet to be written but  she not sure how he has stuck by her side for so long but she knows he is her super hero and would not want anyone else by side  and is uttlerly greatful for him and all he has done  she knows he dosent see this way but he'll never understand the impact he has had on her and her life but  she knows she the luckiest girl ever to have him as her hero her best friend and hopes she never loses him but sooo greatful to spirits, God who ever else was involved in our meetings and sooo glad he has willing stuck around  and proven so many things wrong so to you i thank you i love you

open letter to my friends....

Dear Friend of mine,
i can see the  pain in your eyes, your shacking like your scared to death, your voice is the sound of child who lost and scared and i know you said you needed to talk... let me easy your mind  calm your fears listen to what im about to tell you friend no matter whats going on no matter what you have to tell me no matter what your going through i want you to know you cant lose me and that im here for the long haul ill talk your louad and walk with you ill stand by you till the end i will lift you up and hold you close  i will protect you from harm i will be your friend through thick and thin...
you told me  how you have a problem with drugs and or achohol, you, your hurt your self  with sharp objects, you decided you no longer needed or wanted to eat or make self sick if you did  you caused harm to someone else physically, emontionally, verabally sexually  that your gay
Dear Friend of mine please know that i know this difficult for you say and im honored you told me please know that your secert is safe with me  and you do not have to worry  even with this going on your still my friend and i will stand by you and that im in here for the long haul you cant lose me  but most of all

DEAR FRIEND OF MINE YOU ARE NOT MINE TO JUDGE, YOU ARE MINE TO LOVE AND I LOVE YOU DEAR FRIEND OF MINE..............

lacey and marge's epsoide 2 :)

a couple of weeks ago i meet up with my sweet friend lacey and we decided to try another new  place  we choose a place called fuzzy tacos and me being from south texas  fuzzy tacos is a scarry scarry thing however i put my brave face on and this place uses extramly bright colorful colors almost neon  colors ( which is scary) but the way they did  its not ( thank goodness) and than we decided to walk along the cannal and we found an area where they spray area of sorts and we got wet and than we walked more and found a candy company in okc where you actually order sandwhichs ( we will let you know how they we havent tried them yet) and than we tried gelto ( sp?) and ohhh my gosh its better than ice cream i kid you not i need some now  it was amazing and they of course had every kind of candy you can imgaine  and soda of all kinds  i cant wait to go back i love that i get to explore the city i live in sooo much fun  espically with an amazing person like  lacey
have a great day

Lacey and Marges Adentures eposide 1

why hello out there ( if anyone reads this ill be shocked)
so i havent blogged in awhile and im sure you all very upset with me well ive been a tad bit busy with work, summer school  seeing fam, spenditng time with fam and what not but the most imporant and will be a kinda running them mixed with other blogs but my friend Lacey and i have been exploring downtown and south side since she moved down there it has been an abousult blast
our first adenture first for me was getting to her house which aboustly amazing i love it  ive told if she ever sells it im buying it  period :) and way on our first adventure we decided to find a place neither of us had been to or herd of so we tired a place called Texadelphia this place is amazing everything made from scratch and freshly made daily  yumm yumm  home made ranch, ranch- bbq, and more :) they have salads,  philly sheese steak sand, made with meat or chicken, burgers,pinis and more its soooo good and all come with chips n salsa which is great or you can get their waffle fries and those are amazing lacey i got both and split to try the sides and they were sooo good
and it was fun to drive around down town and explore :)
stay tuned for more eposides :)

This Blog is not about me but for someone who made this world a better place through the way she treated people, how she showed love and God to others, her work, her love of life and her fight with cancer which you can read about here she byfar one of the most amazing people i have ever met

this quote (at the bottom of entry) to a small degree describes her and her heart Sarah is her name and she lived  each day as it was her last  and she loved helping others and teaching in  an inncer city and her faith was amazing  and she was a humble heart i can say that all of us who have had the priviagle to know Sarah are the lucky ones  she was one who was looked up to and  respected and thats how she treated and she tought us to see beauty in the small things i say this while at hospital one  the janitors were going to get rid of a leaf that had a cocon on it for with a catpiter in it and she said no we have to save it for it will become a beautiful butterfly ( not exct story but close) and  know that was the kind of heart she had  she is one of kind and we need more like hers  Sarah Thank you for teaching us to see beauty in everything and teaching us to enjoy life no matter what you are missed daily 

I believe God does the most amazing things with the most humble of His people... just like a butterfly do not see their beauty.... some of His angels here on earth do not see their worth either... Know you are Blessed and He is using you for great things ~ Karen Kostyla ~♥~

how do you want to be measured

okay so its been over month since my last entry its not like any one actually reads this but im need to write about something
my heart has been sadded by something latley i have been noticing alot of people i know judinging others or being juged by others and i for life of me cant figure out why
i know for a fact For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. john ch3:17
did we as christians for get this very imporant factors and why do we always look at the plank in our brothers eyes before we do so in our own matthew 7:3 i know alot the time we feel as though our sin isnt as bad as someone elses well the truth is sin is sin and its all the same to God and he is ONLY ONE WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO JUDGE ANY OF US PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it makes me so sad to see my firends doing this but also upsets me because it makes me wonder what makes them think their better than the person they are judgeing and makes wonder why they think they have the right i mean Jesus wasnt with the rich and wealthly he was with the sinners and the poor he was with the ones who needed him most so i wounder why insted of judging someone for what they do or who they are why cant they look past it i mean if you want to judge them fine but just remeber
matthew 7:1-2 Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. and i know i have been judged by socity, friends, classmates, family for many things from the issues with my disabilities to weight, the way i dress to way i treat others, or the fact im just plain different and i cant even begain to explain how much it hurts and how hard it is to face it day after day but i also know that im a better person for it and to my friends who have been judged others im so very sorry i know how it feels personally and it breaks my heart for you because yall so amazingly wonderful i love you just the way you are and im sooo thankful for you and you all be stronger people
if you have been judging someone i ask you to take a moment and ask your self is this how i want to be judged? is this fair? how can i make this persons life better? by being there for them or doing something for them is this how i want them or others to treat me?
just some food for thought

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU '
means that I accept you for the person that you are,
 and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. 
It means that I will love you and 
stand by you even through the worst of times. 
It means loving you when you're in a bad mood or 
too tired to do things I want to do. 
It means loving you when you're down,
 not just when you're fun to be with. 
I LOVE YOU means that I know your deepest secrets and 
do not judge you for them,
 asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine.
 It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and 
that I love you enough not to let go.
 it means standing by you through thick and thin and it means you mean the world to me it means you cant lose me

last post of the year

well its dec 31,2011 which means its the last sat of dec and of 2011
and i could write about what kind of year 2011 was
i could tell you about my little surgery
but insted i want to write this blog to and for some certain friends
who i would not have made it through with out their love and support
i would not be where i am with out them those these friends
who went to shows, movies, dinners, lunches watched shows with me
were there with me through for very difficult times and were there during some really great times and i love each of you for making this year soo much better
love each of yall
i hope 2012 makes all dreams come true and wishes even bigger

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Well im offically beyond stressed right now
trying to get the apt ready for me to leave and be ready for post surgery
and im vastly seeing i will not get everything done in time ahhhh
i made a list with the best friend and thought ok i can get this all done before i leave town tues night/wens morning and its not looking soo good and im stressed esspically since tues i have to go out to the hosptial twice to get everything done for prep for and im not gonna lie im nervous and trying not to think about it but i knwo it will be okay and im ready to get it over with ahhh plus im a little nervous about going home and christmas im just complty overwhelemed with life right now but im thankful for some friends who have been putting up with over the month and helping me with everyhting and im soo thankful for them im not saying who because they wont see this in my blog or deviant but im soo thankful for them.

another santa story for you

I have been reading about a woman in Michigan who went into 5 diffent k marts and paid off 3-5 peoples lay away stuff if they had toys on it
and in settale WA where at a coffeffe shop one customer paid for theirs and the person behind thems order and thats still going on 3 yrs later and growing up one of my favoite charites to help with and fun was the elf louise where the city of SA come togather and give, wrap, and deliver christmas to needy kids and families in the SA area
well tonight i think i saw the biggest set of charity of one family to many others my friend emily and i were in wal mart and we noticed a family had not 1 not 2 but 3 yes 3 shopping carts full of food and tolties i first surpised but i was taken back and heart melted when i over herd the mom saying she was excited that now a charity ( not named) would be able to help several families and their kids faced lir up like no other and the Dad couldnt be more proud and the one of the girls said this amazing when can we do it again
how amazing is that
i hope this story and notes of others help you decide to do something wonderful for someone else weather its giving to toys for tots, or salvation or having people over for dinner or volunteering somewhere spending time with someone who may not have any one or simply giving a hug to someone who needs
blessings to all

i know the path

update from last blog fork in the road/cross roads
i know the path im on this time and
well i have answers this a first for me with some of things ive delt with in my life
in alot of ways a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and i have peace knowing we have solutions and that we know what to do
i still have some very scarry things ahead but i know on this journey i am not alone and im very thankful for that
and to those who know whats i appriate everything you have done from encourgement to making me laugh to just forcing me to think about it and showing the other side to the situation i really appriate it
this still a very scarry time but im thankful for people God has placed in my life during this time to remind me it will be okay and to know how bad things good be
who know what will come of this im just glad to actually know for once and not have to stress about the unknown

the fork in the road/cross roads

okay sooo its been awhile sorry not like anyone actually reads this
but ive been a tad busy and a lot on my mind and heart latley
so if i seem out of it sorry


im sitting at a fork in the road, a cross roads one i have seen before
the fork the cross roads of weather or not i should find out whats going
and try to get it fixed or pretend everything is okay and just icnore
whats going on this road i faced before parts of me are rational saying
what ever it is that is wrong you can take care of make it better
but than there the other parts of me that are going nuts saying
no no no its no big deal everything fine no need to worry or fix
anything nothing broken your fine and being redicousouls
i hate being at this fork in the road/ cross roads because
i can see how both sides are right but yet
i can see how both are wrong and it just seems
like neither is best but i guess we fill find out
which one was right in just over a week
yay freak out mood till then............
part of me wants to there to be nothing wrong so i can okay
your fine but part of me wants there to be something to be wrong
so we know what really is wrong and so i can take care of it
i just wish i knew which one would give me a piece of mind
and i just wish i knew which side of me was right
but until next week i will be busy distracting my self
and trying to think about this but as you can tell it weights
on my mind just a bit....................

dear friend

Its hard to believe that 9 years ago i was on my way to Oklahoma to embark on a new journey my college career i knew going on this journey to oklahoma was by far the scariest thing had done in my life i was about to start something i had always been told i was never going to do because of LD and i knew it would be hard but i knew it was what my KiKi and God wanted me to do but what i didnt expect on this journey was that fate/God had instore was me finding a very special person from virgina and me being from texas i would meet one of best friends ever as freshmen we didnt know what life would throw our way but through the good the bad and the very ugly we still stand as best friends 9 yrs later i still love talking to him and seeing pretty much very week and thankful we are still friends after everything we have been through and there is nothing like knowing someone will still stand by you during the hardest/most difficult times in your life and still stand by you and support you through everything and when times are good help you to grow and just help you come out of your shell and that you in return on some level can help them out when they hit hard times too and know that no matter they will still be your friends sstill stand by you and still love you and believe in you
to this you know who you are, your amazing thank you so much for all you have done for me and thank you for standing by me through everything i hope have only done 1/2 of a good friend to you as you have been to me and i hppe for life time long of friendhsip and many more things to come your truly amazing and such a blessing to me and my life so thank you

my saving grace/wind benath my wings/angel all in one :)

I have no clue what to title my blog tonight
may be ill figure it out by the time i finsh writing my blog
i have a job that dosent pay well at all but provides me a roof over my head, food on my plate and some ways to bless other people or at least i try too ohh and gives me health insurance yay!!!!! i have a job that is very hard, challenging, pushes me, but also a lot of fun and i get paid to color cant complain right??? and its a job i aboustly love and wouldnt trade for anything in the world and none of this was more than eveadent today at work for me, i had a rough week last week, and this week wasnt much better until today when God showed me some more of my saving grace, wind benth my wings, my hero (well one of em at least) and just that im not the teacher my girl is my teacher (she thinks its the other way around shhhh dont tell her differently) well ive had a very heavy heart for last week and half or longer, and today was no different until my girl came off the bus with biggest smile i have ever seen on her, and than we were on one of many walks ( thats her reward for doing good work cant complain there eaither) but i hadnt shown any emotion just put on another smile, and was walking with her and when stopped me ( shes non verbal bty) and she looked at me and could litterally read my heart and for 3 full mins did nothing but smile, stick her toung out at me to make me smile, and hug me as if she had herd everything that was going on in my life which she hadnt i leave that stuff at the door when i go to work but its like she knew what i needed better than i did and what a blessing she is and will always be to me im beyond greatful for her and that her lessons she teaching me, she tought me sometimes just a look in someones eyes tell more than words could ever express and im beyond greatful we know each other well enough to know how to do these things
i know God blessed me last yr with her this year he showed im deffently not the teacher and she is forever my saving grace,wind benth my wings, angel
i look forward to 4 more weeks with her :) shes the best part of my summer and i guess i found my title too

remeber life goes on

first im sure your socked 2 blongs a week a part crazy but apparently this blong was meant to be written because the quote involved have been on my heart/mind all day
and well its one i found this quote awhile back and i just love it because it says basically what we all need to do with our lives its so very true and simple but
true

you have to take the good with the bad,smile when your sad, love what you got and remeber what you had... Always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret, people change, things go wrong just remeber life goes on

i know we all get in situation where just seems life beyond hard and we cant through but we will you have to feel the emtions your feeling but sometimes you just need to put them aside ( it dpends on whats going on in my personal oppion)
for instance today i had a rough day at work and just couldnt deal with certain people or things i just needed a me time out and as i was telling this to a friend they were telling me how another one of their friends was having an even harder time did i feel bad yes and this quote has been with me all day and today i have seen why and im so greatful its just a great reminder that their times when no matter how bad things are in your life someone has it worse always and that things will get better you just have to faith and believe tomorrow will be better and know life will go on and yes everyone changes you will i will you have and i have but its okay hopefully its changing for the better and sometimes you just need to vent and take time for you and just remeber take a deep breath and look for the good in each day
cause we only get one shot at this life....................
remeber no one is perfect you wont always get your way but you have to learn to love the life God has given you cause it can always be worse and it can always be better trust me i have hit rock bottom but i have learned things will get better and yes life will go on people will come and go just as seasons some longer than others but everyone is there to teach you something you must learn to grow and be shaped into the person your meant to be............
but in the end life will go on this is life

Life, what its all about really?

I was chatting with a friend tonight
when they asked me what i thought life was about and well this is my responce to this friend
this is my personal oppion
life is about enjoying your time here on earth, trying to make it a better place, trying to make a difference in at least one persons life its about pushing your personal limits growing and learning and passing your knowlege on to others
its about showing compassion to the world and showing them love
its about caring and loving on those who suffer, rejocy with those who are rejocying and
and its about the little things in life such as the smiles, hugs, handshakes, hellos, you give to people when they may be going through things you could never imgaine
and letting them know 1 person cares
its aboust experainces of a life time be it a first kiss, dance, conquring a fear, learning something you didnt know you knew or could do
its about seeing the beauty in everyday life
its about late nights and early morning, laughing, crying, smiling taking too many pics hugging ppl till they dont like you
and living for the moment and enjoying each day that your given here on this earth
that is what life is about
as my kiki always told me the 3 best thigns you can give away to someone and its free too is a smile, hug, handshake
that my dear is what life is all about
well my dear life is a journey we all have our own journey and its to be expericed the good, bad, ugly, amazing aspects and hon no one can help you experanice that cause its different for all of us
this why you have to learn to take the good with bad, sad with happy and know that life is good and its not that ppl who have it all togather who love life but its those who love lifes inpereftions
not so perfct aspects of life that enjoy it

i would like to know what life is really all about to you