Tuesday, December 25, 2012

is it really christmas time?

Today is a Tuesday its Christmas day but as much as i knew it was Christmas day nothing felt like it was Christmas  even with the family here and keep up with tradtions frist time being home since my bops passed and dog passing makes hard to know thats it Christmas it dosnet seem right  dont get me i loved everything i got and despite my family being them still it just dosent seem like its really here or that they are really gone its just too painful to be smiling laughing  seeing pics of them in their last days of alive when they still had some spunk in them litterally has been killing me and its like a joke seeing them in pics but not being here for me to love on and hug and laugh with  and let lick my face and just know everything will be okay  and its just not the same and i know things change but this just feels too soon to be happing and it just dosent feel like i should be here and that holidays shouldnt be here  it feels as though they should be months further away but alas its here  and now almost gone and yet i cant wrap the fact there gone may be it finally hit me they i will never see them again but this pain is more than i can bare and its ahrd doing this alone by self my brother has my sister in law to lean  on and my mom has her finace but me im here alone  and just wishing i had some to give me a huge hug and tell me it will be okay but right now i dont  and hearing stories was too much too bear i couldnt handle it i had to get lost in music just to sit in the same room 
but im glad their out of pain but now i have to deal with my pain  if i can 

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