ive come to expect it from you

IF YOUR FATHER OR MALE YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE NOTES ON WHAT NOT TO WHEN AND IF YOUR BLESSED TO HAVE A DAOUGHTER OF YOUR OWN. some of you know that Don ( my "father") and I do not have a relationship for basic reasons of him pretty much eaither treating worse than dirt or pretending i do not exist even if im in same fucking room as him. now if ur dad i pray you never do that your doughter because you are the mole modles of what we do or dont want in our future relationships and supposed to establish how a guy treats us well Don never has and never will do that for me which hurts yes but im learning to just accept it any way my brother and sister in law got some shirts for him b/c they have a wounderful relationship with him and his wife of which im happy for them any way they were deilvered 2 days late ( way to go fed ex) so we got them today and my bro and sister in law asked my mother and I to take it over to Don and so we did after eating dinner at La Fonda ( my favorite mexican food resturant) any way at no surpise to me they had no clue i was in the car and my mother told me she was rather surpised he never mintiched me graduating college ( im not so surpised) and never even congrualated my mother on her engagement ( once again she surpised me not so much). any one who knows me knows i had a bunch of people pray for them when they got robbed last year and still went to mexico b/c haven forbid they dont go they dont get invited back my mom was surpised they never even asked about me to her or my bro or sister in law am i no what i dont understand how someone can place vaule on people who say u dont come this yr to mexico youll never come back or even bother to ask how their doughter is i guess im just stupid or i guess im truly insvable to them as much as this hurts nothing hurt more than when Don informed a cuple of months ago i was herandance to his alacohol budget well Don from me to you you now dont have to worry about love your doughter margaret anne canaday ohhh ps i have graduated and i finally gotten my self to calling you just as asshole and yes thats a big step and one of best friends calls you jack ass asshole and you truly live up to it so if you a dad or want to be one day please value your children whether they disabilites or not

HUMBLED

FOR THOSE WHO DONT KNOW I GRADUATED ABOUT A WEEK AGO AND IT DOESNT FEEL LIKE IT AT ALL AND I HAD BEEN FEELING GOOD AND WELL AND TODAY I GOT HUMBLILED BEYOND BELIEF MY MOMS BIBLE STUDY GROUP WERE ASKED TO HELP MOTHERS OF SINGLE WPUNDED SOILDERS HERE AT BROOKS ARMY BASE AND HOSPITIAL WICH IS ONE OF THE BEST IN THE WORLD ( NO LIE) WELL I WENT WITH THEM TO DELIVER THE PRESENTS AND ONE OF SOLIDERS WHO WAS GRAUDING THE BASE WAS REALLY IMPRESSED BY WHAT WE WERE THERE FOR AND HE SAID HE WISHED SOMEONE WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR HIS MOM AND I WAS SHOCKED TO HEAR WHEN HE WAS INJURED IN IRAQ HE WAS HORRIBLE TREATED BUT HE NEVER ONCE FELT BAD FOR IT AND AS WE WERE TALKING AND WALKING TO MORE SOILDERS THEY WERE TELLING HOW MUCH THE MOM AND THEIR KIDS WILL APPRATE AND THANKED US FOR OUR SUPPORT AND WILLINGNESS TO GIVE AND TO ME IT WAS LIKE WELL DUH WOULDNT ANYONE UNTIL ONE PERSON WAS UPSET WE WOULD DO THIS AND THAN I TURNED AND SAID IF YOU WERE ANY OTHER COUNTRY SAYING YOU DIDNT LIKE THE PRESIDENT OR THE MILITARY YOU COULD DIE AND THEY SHUT UP REALLY FAST AND I SAW ONE SOILDER NO MORE THAN 19 CRYING AND I ASKED WHATS WRONG AND HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE YOU WANNA KNOW I SAID YES HE FOUND OUT HIS MOM WASNT GOING TO MAKE IT FOR THE HOILIDAYS BECAUSE HIS SISTER IS REALLY SICK (DIDNT SAY WITH WHAT) BUT IS HOSPITALIZED AND SO AT THAT MOMENT I GRABED THE CHRISTMAS CARD IN MY POCKET GAVE IT TO HIM AND WAS HONORED TO SEE THE MEN AND WOMEN MOVING AROUND THE BASE SOME WHO LOST BOTH THEIR LEGS AND SOME WHO LOST AN ARM OR WAS HIT BY ROAD SIDE BOMB BUT I WAS MORE HUMMBLED TODAY KNOWING SOME OF THEM MAY HAVE A LITTLE CHRITMAS CHEER HERE BUT MANY WILL NOT IM NOT ASKING YOU TO SUPPORT BUSH OR WHO EVER IS PRES IM ASKING TO SUPPORT THE TROOPS AND REMEBER HOW LUCKY WE ALL ARE AND HOW IF IT WERENT FOR THEM WE NEVER BE FREE GOD BLESS AND THANK GOD FOR THESE BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN

The value of a ring = the value of oneself

While i was home over Thnaksgiving break My mom and I went ring shopping NOT ENGAGEMENT but for me for graduation becuase I didnt want an oc one. My mom and i went into a jewlery store where my brother got my sister in laws engagment ring ( i picked it out) but the owner of store who was very nice man said i love your doughter she loves jelwery i told i was looking for either blue topaz or amathest ( purple stone) well we were looking the first ring he puts on me is $20,000 no freaking joke i was aboustly speechless this georgous blue topaz/amathest combo with dimonds ahhh sooo pretty i couldnt believe it was on my finger and yet at the same time i was thinking to myself "im not worth of this expese ring" pluse i didnt want mom to spend that much on a ring and than the next ring was 15000 and so on down line i was wanting some i saw on line for like $200 and told him this and yes and i understand why but for such an accomplishment of graduatiing College you really desve a much pretter ring and he showed us a blue topaz with dimonds that was 900 and he said he give about 20% off which was really nice but still and i said this could be my enagement ring but i dont want my guy ( if i ever had or get one) to spend this much on ring and the owner said how much should he spend aksing me i said ohh probly $500 and he looked me he said beautiful you really desvre a better prettier ring than that and my mom said he better spend at least $900 on the ring and as much as loved the pretty expessive rings i cant imgage owning one casting so much because truthfully i really dont desvre one that expessive i just feel as though someone who is prettier and richer should but i can say mom said she found the ring at a differnt jelwery store i just cant wait to see which one she picked

Num to the pain

Every year around this time of year ( nov 12-dec 23) is always an emontional time of year for me a few good and many sad and hard times around this time have come about my birthday for the last twenty years ( starting at age 5) has been a day i no longer lookfoward to because people have died on it my granddad ( Don's father) and best died on my 5th birthday and twenty years later it still lhurts like it was yesterday and than on my 11th borthday my kiki died ( mom's mom) and kiki was my backbone and my seource of strength for so long that it still hurts knowing that my birthday is when she went home and than on my 13th my elder mentor from church died and than on my 17th birthday my cusin commited sucide on my birthday and although yes its been years since they have died but yet the hurt and the pain never have gone away well this sure i got the plusre of adding a funeral to my birthday my great aunt was barried yesterday on birthday, which has been another dealing in itself, any way i thought i had finally nub my self to hurt and the pain of birthday but i find that to be the furest thing from the truth right because all i have wanted to do is cry but i have been having to put on act of "im good" or "im ok" because i hate showing how i really feel and i hate being emontional infront of other people and i have had so many tell that its not allowed or whatever and that time will heal my pain which if that was the truth than why am i still hurting years later and i also wounder if the pain will ever go away.................... people always tell me to be happy on my birthday but honestly i just cant and you cant understand untill you have someone die on your birthday i just wounder if God is playing some evil mean joke on me for this or if h eeven likes me

Causing truble with out trying

Wow yesterday was an emontonal day without even trying for it to be I went to Senior Salute which is where Seniors at oc pay the fee, give address for year books to be sent and make sure everything right well i was making my way and down the line had my cap and gown in my hand which was unbelievable feeling not going to lie i couldnt believe it the biggest dream i have had since i was a little girl was finally coming true well any way i go to where i could order ( oc made invations not so pretty) pluse i had already ordered the ones I wanted and than I get to where the im soposed to get my "oc ring" well, i politly told the lady thank you but i do not want one lady " well you have to get one" me No I dont Lady yes you do there free me No i dont i would never wear it she calls another person you need a ring once a gain i said no thank you person 2 well i know your parents went here what about giving it for them me im the only person in my family who came here well more the reason to get one i dont want one what about putting it on your necklace i said no this is very spiecal and i do not want it if you cant tell by this point i was getting upset finally another person said if she dosent want one than she dosent have to get one geeze im sorry oc i dont want ur ugly ring and these were the peopel from the company holy cow

outta control

This sem has been one the hardest for me emontionally, spirtually, personally and physically im taking 17 hrs and i honestly dont know if im going to make it parts of me are wanting to work to point i just die literally but at the same time i hear my body saying quit im tired and it dosent help that my family sits there says "im not sure your gonna do it" or "really do think you can graduate" and other stuff and so i find myself questioning weather i can or not even though this one thing i have wanted my whole life yes a college degree is something i dreamed about getting now im sooo close but yet soo far i still have to surrive 6 classes, 4 reasrch papers, 1 reasch group/indiudial project + paper, a reasch essay on top of articels and journals and lord knows what else i just feel im soo outta control i dont know what im going to do i cant breath pluse im still fighting the illness in my lungs which dosent help im not trying to complain but i find i am and im sorry i put the blame on self and i myself doubting God more now than ever before which i hate because i know i shouldnt but its my stupid human nature and im fighting against my self to make my life better and i cant seem to beat myself or the doubts my family is placing on me i hope i can do this

THE POWER OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU AND TELL YOU

I have always been one to stand on my own ground and never afraid to speak my mind, inform people or make them aware of their prejudice of other people but never have i thought of my self as "strong" or "determainmed" or even "tough" I was doing what I thought i was supose to do and that i was supose to work 10x harder than most other students or be the outspeaken one the one who looks at the world very differently from most and i try vary hard not complain about it or even let it get to me i just asummed this was job what God had called to me do I was in a proffesors office last week and one I highly trust ( which is rareity for me ) and this proffesor and I were talking I was telling what had been going on between me and the supposed father of mine and how it was effecting my faith and views on God and Life in gernal and the proffesor was really helping me out when they threw a curve ball at me and said " your one of the strongest people I know" what me I have been in their office the week before sobbing ready to the throw the towel in on lots of things and than they say this its been a week and still cant believe it after hearing this I had the joys of talking to one of my best friends and they said well not only are you " strong" but your "tough" and "determained" which blew my mind still has but still struggling with my faith i wounder how can i be all of these when im struggling against the devil, fam, and stuff there is no way i can be "strong, determained, and tough" so i sit here woundering am i really could i be disbite everything who knows all i know im trying to figure out what i believe and what God knows/thinks of me so to my best friend and my proffesor thank you for pointing things out im not sure i would have ever seen or known

JUSTICE HAHAHA YEAH RIGHT MORE LIKE LETS SEE HOW BADLY WE CAN SCREW YOU OVER

Today I had my Court date for my ticket for the accident I had on the 30th of July I will let you I do not feel that I'm Guilty for it and I dont think I should have gotten one and Im uttlerly pissed off I was/ am used so a stupid Edmond Cop could meet his quata for that month. any way so I make my way to down town edmond to the court house where the procosactor informs us that we have one of 2 choices option 1. plead Guilty pay fine and dont get a ticket for 90 days wont go on the recored option 2 pled Not Guilty pay for the court fees give them about a month - 2 months get every one invovled in your case and than go to court than a bunch of us left the room to decide what we were going to do and they the two ladies working desk were shocked to hear our choices and cought off guard thats not normal we can let pay here you choose pled guilty or no constate and if you dont get a ticket for 90 days it wont go on your recored so that is what i ultimealy decided I feel very concrete in the fact that Edmond Screwed me over twice in this case once for getting the ticket and second for not getting a chance to hear my case like it used to be and it uttlerly pisses me off and Im not the only one another woman had same kind situation as me so to the Edmond Police dept you all suck and your court systeam is the screwest thing i have ever seen thank you sooo much for screwing over Good, Honest People and letting those who do much worse than us off easyer than ever I have offically lost all my respect for our judistal system and the Edmond Police force. love Margaret Canaday

IM SOMEWHERE, WHERE I NEVER THOUGHT I BE........

NEVER IN MY LIFE WOULD I HAVE EVER IMGAGED MY SELF SO FRUSTRATED, SCARED, NERVOUS, AXNGOUS, WORRIED, DOUBTFUL AFRAID , DEPRESSED ALL AT ONCE I MEAN I COULD SEE A CUPLE AT TIME YEAH THATS LIFE ALL OF EM AT ONCE NEVER IN MY WILDESTS DREAMS SOMETIMES LIFE CAN SCARE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU SO CAN PEOPLE THE THING THAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST IS I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT AT ALL I TRY TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE WHEN I GO OUT IN THE WORLD BUT IM REALLY NOT BRAVE TRUTHFULY IM SCARED SHITLESS AND REALLY HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO DEAL WITH IT I GUESS I DO WHAT I VE BEEN DOING PRETEND ALL IS OKAY PRAY FEW KNOW THE REAL REASON AND HOPE IT WORKS OUT

THE REAL WORLD VS THE OC WORLD

I HAVE HAD A FEW JOBS IN MY DAY FROM TAKING CARE OF SPIECAL NEEDS KID TO BABY SITTING TO WORKING IN THE NOWLIN CENTER AT OC I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE TO BE APPRATIVE OF MY JOBS BECAUSE IT WAS MONEY THAT HELPED PAY BILLS OR FOOD OR WHATEVER I NEEDED BUT TODAY I FOR THE FIRST TIME I FIND SELF NOT EVER WANTING A JOB EVER AGAIN I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO COME ABOUT 30 MINS BEFORE I WAS SUPOSE TO BE THERE AND WORK THE FULL SHIFT AND STAY AFTER IF NEEDED WITHOUT EVER COMPLAINING AND MY FORMER BOSSES HAVE ALWAYS APPRATED IT AND THANKED ME FOR IT AND EVEN HELPING OUT AT REPUBLICAN HEADQUATERS IN SA SAMETHING VERY HAPPY TO SEE ME THERE WORKING HELPING OUT WELL FASTFORWARD TODAY AND ME WORKING THE NOWLIN CENTER AT OC WHICH LIKE A REC CENTER ANY WAY ALL SUMMER I HAD KEPT WITH SAME RETURN COMMING IN ABOUT 30 MINS EARLY AND I HAD DONE IT ALL SUMMER PUT ON MY HOURS FOR WORK HOWEVER I GET CALLED INTO MY BOSSES OFFICE ( LANA) AND SHE GOT REALLY MAD AT THE FACT I SHOWED 30 MINS EARLY NOT UPSET WITH GIRL WHO NEVER BOTHERS TO COME IN AT ALL OR GET SOMEONE TO COVER FOR HER BUT OHHH NO LETS GET MAD AT PERSON WHO COMES IN 30 MINS AND RARLEY ASKS FOR SOMEONE TO COVER FOR HER NEVER IN LIFE I HAVE I SEEN SUCH A THING AND TURLY THIS COULD ONLY HAPPEN HERE AT THE OC TURLY UNREAL AND AFTER MY BOSS NEW WHAT SHE WAS GETTING AND NEW I WOULD COME IN SO I REALLY HAVE NO CLUE ON WHY NOW SHE GETS PISSED OFF FOR ME COMMING IN EARLY AFTER THIS IM NOT SURE I WANT TO GET A JOB FOR THE FALL LIKE I HAD PLANNED ALL SUMMER HOW IN THE WORLD DOES THIS MAKE SENSE SOMEONE PLEASE CLUE ME IN

am i human or a disease

WELL THE OTHER DAY .. WENT FOR A 2ND OPP..ON ON MY HEALTH AND THE DOC .. WENT TO SEE HAPPENS TO BE GOOD FR..ENDS W..TH MY DOC AND WE WERE TALK..NG AND HE NOT SURE MY DOC HAS BEEN TREAT..NG ME R..GHT S..NCE ..M ST..LL S..CK AND UTTERLY P..SSED HE NEVER D..D A LUNG BYOP..SS..E AND ONLY D..D SCOPES 2 YRS AGO AND ..SNT SURE ..M ON THE R..GHT DRUGS BUT HE ..S REFUS..NG TO SAY WHAT HE TH..NKS ..S WRONG UNT..LL HE GETS PAST X RAYS AND CTS AND HE HAS ORDERED NEW ONE W..TH MORE ..NTES..VE BLOOD TEST ( Y..PP..E) ANY WAY ..M NOT SURE WHAT TO TH..NK CUZ .. HAVE NO CLUE OF WHATS GO..NG ON W..TH BODY AND .. FEEL L..KE NE..THER ARE L..ST..NG TO ME WELL .. KNOW ONE ..SNT WHEN .. READ MY REPORT HE HAS ON ME ANY WAY ..M SOO S..CK AND T..RED OF BE..NG S..CK AND NOT KNOW..NG WHAT THE FUCK ..S GO..NG ON W..TH MY BODY AND ..M T..RED OF BE..NG TREATED L..KE A D..SEASE AND NOT HUMAN AHHHHHH TO MY FR..ENDS GO..NG ..NTO THE MED..CAL PERFOSS..ON PLEASE TREAT YOUR PA..NTES L..KE HUMANS OR ELSE ..LL HONT YOU ..N UR DREAMS AND ..M WUNDER..NG ..F ..M EVEN SEEN AS A HUMAN ANY MORE OR JUST TH..NG W..TH A D..SEASE OR SOMETH..NG ELSE W..LL ..T EVER END MAY BE NOT <..MG src="http://x.myspace.com/..mages/blog/sm..leys/bummed.g..f"> GOTTA LOVE REAL..TY

PRETTY ENOUGH I WOUNDER

THE SONG LISTED BELOW IS REALLY GOOD ITS CALLED PRETTY ENOUGH BY KASEY CHAMBERS AND Am I not pretty enough?Is my heart too broken?Do I cry too much?Am I too outspoken?Don’t I make you laugh?Should I try it harder?Why do you see right through me?I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me,I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break,I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough,I try as hard as I can.Am I not pretty enough?Is my heart too broken?Do I cry too much?Am I too outspoken?Don’t I make you laugh?Should I try it harder?Why do you see right through me?I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s real,I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees,I hope, I stand, I take it like a man,I try as hard as I can.Am I not pretty enough?Is my heart too broken?Do I cry too much?Am I too outspoken?Don’t I make you laugh?Should I try it harder?Why do you see right through me?Why do you see, why do you see, why do you see right through me?x4 THIS TOTALLY DESCRIBES HOW I FEEL WITH GUYS AND SOMETIMES MY OWN FAMILY THERE IS ANOTHER SONG BY KELLIE PICKLER WHICH ALSO RELATES TO ME ALOT ITS CALLED I WOUNDER Sometimes I think about youWonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout meAnd would you even recognizeThe woman that your little girl has grown up to beCause I look in the mirror and all I seeAre your brown eyes lookin back at meThey're the only things that you gave to me, at allOh, I hear the weather's nice in CaliforniaThere's sunny skies as far I can seeIf you ever come back home to CarolinaI wonder what you'd say to meI think about how it aint fairThat you weren't there to braid my hairLike mothers doYou weren't around to cheer me onHelp me dress for my high school promLike mothers doDid you think I didn't need you hereTo hold my handTo dry my tearsDid you even miss me through the years at allOh, I hear the weather's nice in CaliforniaThere's sunny skies as far I can seeIf you ever come back home to CarolinaI wonder what you'd say to meForgiveness is such a simple wordBut it's so hard to do when you've been hurtOh, I hear the weather's nice in CaliforniaAnd just in case you're wondering about meFor now on I won't be in CarolinaYour little girl is offYour little girl is offYour little girl is off to Tennessee NOW MOST PEOPLE FIND THESE SONGS DEPRESSING BUT THE FUNNY THING FOR ME IS I FIND MORE TRUTH IN THESE SONGS THAN MOST OTHERS I HEAR ON THE RADIO THAT I LOVE TO LISTEN TO AND SING TO BUT THESE MAKE ME THINK OF WHAT I DONT HAVE AND WHAT I DO HAVE AND IN SOME WAYS MADE ME STRANGER AND RELAIZE I TRY NOT TO TAKE THINGS FOR GRATED AND SOMETIMES I WOUNDER ABOUT MY BIRTHPARENTS AND MY FATHER AND MY GRANDFATHER WHO I NEVER REALLY KNEW BUT ALL I KNOW IS GOD HAS PLACED ME ON A PATH I CANT CHANGE NOR WOULD I AND I CAN ONLY HOPE IM DOING WHAT HE WOULD WANT ME TO AND AM I MAKING MY KIKI AND MY GRANDFATHER PROUD

I HAVE MOVED ON

I FEEL I SHOULD BLOG ABOUT THIS NOT FOR BRAGGING RIGHTS BECAUSE THIS NOTHING TO BE BRAGGING ABOUT BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A VERY LONG TIME I HAVE A BETTER OUT LOOK ON LIFE AND ON MY FUTURE THAN I HAVE EVER ESPOLLY WITH MY FATHER, NOW IM STILL HAVE MANY MORE TO GET OVER AND COME TO PEACE WITH BUT THE ONE THAT HAS BEEN KILLING ME FOR THE LONGEST TIME IS NOW OVER............................... AS MANY OF YOU I NEVER DID GET ALONG WITH MY FATHER AND STILL DONT AND HAVE HAD A HARD TIME DEALING WITH IT WELL AS OF THE OTHER DAY I HAVE GOTTEN A PEACE WITH THE FACT THAT HE AN ASSHOLE BUT IS MY BROTHERS BEST FRIEND AND THAT IM HAPPY FOR AND I FELT LIKE I WAS THE BIGGEST LOSER BUT RECENTLY I HAVE RELISED THAT IM RICHER THAN HE WILL EVER BE AND I DONT MEAN IN POINTLESS THINGS SUCH AS MONEY, CARS, LIFE STYLE, VACATIONS AND SO ON BUT IN MEANING THAT I HAVE SOME OF THE MOST AMAZING FRIENDS IN THE WORLD AND A CUPLE WHO WILL UNDERSTAND THIS BLOG BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, I ALSO HAVE GOD WHO LOVES LIKE NO OTHER AND WHO STANDS BESIDE THOUGH EVERYTHING AND THUS MAKES ME RICHER IM NOT SAYING IT WONT HURT TO KNOW IM NEVER GONNA BE MY FATHERS LIL GIRL BUT THATS OKAY BUT I HAVE COME TO A POINT TO WHERE I' NO LONGER CRYING OVER IT OR HIS JACKASS GAMES HE PLAYS WITH ME. NOW I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT HE DID TO ME CUZ ITS SOMETHING YOU CANT FORGET BUT I HAVE FORGIVEN HIM AND I'M OKAY WITH IT THIS DOSENT MEAN I WANT TO SEE HIS SORRY ASS OR TALK TO HIM BUT I HAVE CLOSED OUT THE PAIN AND THOUGH IT THIS IS A BIG STEP FOR ME AND IT IS THE BEST FEELING EVER AND I FEEL A HUGE WEIGHT LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS AND I WANT TO THANK SOME ANGELS WHO HAVE HELPED ME ALONG THE WAY LAUREN, KPS, MEGAN, JAMIE, JAMI, SARAH, SARAH N GINNA AND OF COURSE GOD NO MORE CRYING OVER HIM FEELS GOOD

PUTTING PEOPLE IN THEIR PLACE IS THE BEST JOB I COULD EVER HAVE

YES I KNOW WHAT INTERESTING TITLE I HAVE FOR THIS POST AS SOME OF YOU KNOW I WENT TO A SMALL PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL IN SA AND FOR THE MOST PART IT WAS ALRIGHT I MADE SOME GOOD FRIENDS BUT NOTHING MAKES PROUNDER THAN KNOW WHEN I TOLD THE ADMINSTARTION IN A FEW WORDS TO BASICLY KISS MY ASS I DID BECAUSE I KNEW THEY WERE WRONG AND DETERMAINED TO PROVE IT TO THEM THIS A SCHOOL THAT TELL KIDS LIKE ME WHO ARE LD ( LEARNING DISABLIED) WE WERE STUPID AND AT BEST WOULD ONLY FLIP BURGERS AT BURGER KING OR MCDONLADS FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES ( BULL SHIT) AND WELL THEY ALSO WOULD LIT THE EXMARLY SPIECAL NEED KIDS ONE IN PIRTULAR A GIRL NAKED KIMBERLY ( NAME CHANGE FOR PERSONAL REASONS) WAS MENTALY RERTARTED/CHALLEGED BUT VERY BRIGHT HER MOTHER, SOME OTHER KIDS MOTHERS AND MY SELF COULD SEE THE PONTEL FOR THESE KIDS TO LIVE IN GROUP HOMES, GET SOME TRADE SCHOOLING FOR WORKING IN THE REAL WORLD. WELL TODAY MY MOM SAW KIMBERLY AND HER MOM GETTING THEIR NAILS DONE AND KIMBERLY AND HER MOTHER WERE WE MISS YOUR DOUGHTER SO MUCH SHE DID SO MUCH TO ENCOURGE OUR KIDS AND NOW TELL SCHOOL THEY CAN DO MORE THAN WANT THEM TO BELIEVE AND STILL DISCURAGE THEM FROM IT WELL KIMBERLY IS LIVING IN A GROUP HOME ABLE TO TAKE THE BUS AND HER BIKE GO GET MEDICANE AND HAS A JOB AT LOCAL PIZZA PLACE AND IS GOING TO TRADE SCHOOL AND SHE AND HER MOM CREDITED TO ME FOR BEING SO BITCHY TO THE SCHOOL AND ENCOURGING HER TO DO IT SO IN THE END MOST SAY I SHOULDNT PUT PEOPLE IN THEIR PLACE WELL I FIND MY JOB BEING LD, AND BEING A CHRISTIAN BECAUSE OTHER WISE I WOULDNT BE ME AND IT SHOW THE WORLD I DIDNT CARE

this be a mirecal if it were to actually happen

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

whats the point

WELL I GUESS ITS TIME TO UPDATE ON ME LATELY I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH WHATS THE POINT OF CHRISTIANITY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH A BUNCH OF HIPPOCRATES IN PEOPLE WILL SAY OHH YES WE HAVE TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER BUT WHEN SOMEONE WHO WALKS ON OC CAMPUS OR A CHURCH FOR THAT MATTER THERE LIKE HE CANT TALK TO THIS PERSON THERE NOT LIKE US OR B/C I WASN'T RAISED COC PEOPLE TELL ME ALL THE TIME ITS SHAME YOU WERE RAISED PRESBYTERIAN IM GONNA BE BLUNT COC ISN'T ANY BETTER THAN THE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH YES THINGS ARE VERY DIFFERENT BUT I THINK ITS A GREAT THING BUT ANOTHER IS A BUNCH OF CHRISTIANS WILL SUGAR COAT HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE OR BE REALLY NICE AND THAN TALK HORRIBLE ABOUT THAT PERSON AT LEAST WITH MY FRIENDS WHO ARE DRUNK AND DRUNK PPL IN GENIAL WHO AREN'T CHRISTIAN ARE AT LEAST THE MOST BLUNT AND HONEST GROUP OF PPL AND LESS JUDGEMENTAL WHICH IS WHAT CHRIST WANTS MINUS THE BEING DRUNK SO IF AS CHRISTIANS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE LOVING AND CARING AND HONEST THAN WHY ARE SOOO CHRISTIANS JUDGEMENTAL IT JUST DOSE NT MAKE SENSE TO ME??????????

i dont know what the next step is...................

Well im about to graduate in dec im about to accomplish a dream that i honstly wasnt sure would come true, but with the support of my best friends and my grandmother instealing in to achive it i will and now im thinking about grad school in something i know i would love which is spiecal education i love those kids i have always dreamed of working witth people like that because of my mine disablilites i have been expressing these to my mother and she telling why would go to grad school you wont make it or theres no need for it but i feel it could be useful i just dont know what God has instore for me i just know its not moving back home when i left for oc i knew i would never live in sa again yes i love it and love visting it but i couldnt live there ever again and now im about to graduate from oc i dont know if i will stay in okc for the rest of life or move to the east coast where i fell in love great partly because of lauren and part of me feels may be i would be long there more than here i have lived in the south my whole and felt like i dont belong which very weird...... when people ask what im going to do after graduate i have no idea i just know God has a plan for me and i just hope he revales it to me cuz i dont know what the next step and wish my fam had more faith in me but so much for wishing

if your gonna say your gonna do something than do it or dont say youll do it

Well, recently a lot of people who have claimed to be my "friends" have said hey yeah lets hang out lets get ice cream or lunch or dinner, however every time i try to get with them to do so they a. say well i cant this week what about next and keep it going b. say yeah ill call you, but never call c. ill call them, email, or facebook and they never respond d. or say i promise will do it soon and when it never happens believe it or not it hurts me and makes me wounder why you would want to be my "friend" when you dont actually spend time with me now im not saying im prettiest thing in the world or smartest but i think im fun person but apparently im not and i get hurt when people put me off or act as if pushing me off dosent hurt becuase it does and makes me wounder why they want to be friends when they dont want to spend time with me if you dont want to spend time with than tell me ill gladly stop talking to you and wasting my time on you but at least stop hurting me and my feelings

stranger in a familur place

IT CRAZY TO THINK THAT I HAVE JUST FINSHED MY LAST SPRING SEMSTER OF COLLEGE EVER AND THE EVEN HARDER THING IS AS I GO ON I FEEL AS THOUGH I NO LONGER BELONG ALL OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE GONE EVERY SEMSTER I LOSE MORE PEOPLE I KNOW AND CLOSE FRIENDS AND I WALK AROUND AND I KNOW ALL THE PLACES HOWEVER I JUST DONT KNOW ANY ONE AROUND ME ANY MORE I FEEL OUT OF PLACE AND I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE WORN OUT MY WELCOME AND I FEEL THERE IS NOTHING MORE I CAN ITS SO WEIRD I KNOW IM READY FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER OF MY LIFE HOW EVER I DONT KNOW WHAT IT WILL BE WEATHER GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL, STAYING IN OKC, OR MOVING TO EAST COAST OR WHO KNOWS WHAT I JUST HOPE AND PRAY THAT GOD WILL SHOW ME IN TIME ONE MORE FINAL AND 2 MORE PAPERS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AND WHILE IM EXCITED I REALLY JUST WANNA SEE AND BE WITH MY BEST FRIENDS

another semster down

Wow its the end of the semster here at oc as in finals are next week which is crazy i cant believe it im now trying to get ready fro summer classes and growing up and living on my own i will be hopefully moving off campus this fall and working this summer, and next fall im going to be busy with trying to graduate and classes and stuff and now everyone asking " WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER YOU GRADUATE?" and i have no clue i know what my dream career / job would be but i dont if ill get that and i started toying with the idea of Grad School and so far anyone i have told has looked at me like im crazy again as they did when i said i was going to college so now im 2ns guessing myself again too i dont know any more i just want to give up

hairless

Well tonight i went to take a shower and shave my legs and i hadnt since the end of nov ( do to winter i dont shave no one sees them any way and if u did u wouldnt have had a clue) any way i looked at my raiser to clean it off and noticed it wasnt hair but my skin yes skin so because of the chemo i have lost my hair on my legs the funny thing it took me by surispse but not really as hard to deal with as when i lost clumps of my hair this summer and so when i noticed this i felt down but not sad its weird to know that where hair once was isnt there any more but yet it dosent bother me as much as i thought it would i knew i would have a good chance of losing hair b/c of the chemo but its wierd b/c my blood and everything else is normal so honestly right now i dont know how to feel im not asking for pitty by any means but when you think you have it rough just remeber there are people who have it much worse than you

are we really christians

wouldnt let me go until i could explaine things back to him and the disabilites support serves dept was amazing people who understood and took the time to make sure i knew i was doing my best and teachers caring about what i was going to do with my future and make sure i did stuff i loved and constly encuraged me to do better than i thought i could and told and challeged me to think outside the box where as the school i go to know i love for the most part and i love most people i have meet but yet i have been hurt by the people by people who call themsleves Christians i have been told to drop i would never make it here or people with really dont have anything wrong with they there just Lazy people i have been told i wouldnt graduate or im failure for not being raised coc or told b/c i question so much and or being open minded im not Christ like and told b/c my parents are divorced im a horrible person and im going to hell for it which im sorry its BS my school prides its self on being "christian" however they are the MOST judmental people i have ever meet and although some of teachers would go out of their way for me most wouldnt care and if they here what im dealing with write me off as hopeless how can be a christian when you judge people and when people are hurting you act like it dosent matter or even try to help them or reach out to them and go the extra mile Christ would have and he would stand his ground im sorry Christ wasnt a white middle class American he was poor Middle Eastern Man who helped others told the truth and stood his ground some stuff to think about it

friends

the truth Well its been awhile since i bloged and something has been on mind for quite some time but i have just brushed it asided as me being my "dumb self" or its not really true its just the depression i have finally decided that what im about to blog about / rant/ change/ point out w/o using names needs to be said and delt with........ on that noete here i go............. I have always been one that people have liked to admit they were "my friends" because i was popular i was nice one i would do any thing for any one ie buy them food send them notes call to make sure they got the hw if they werent in school or see if there was anything i could do for them thats how my kiki (grandmother) and momma tought me to be it called being southern, and restable and helpful however it seems that even in college people were only wanting this to use me thanks to some real friends that pointed this out and who have stood up for me but it has also accured to me that in high school i was one everyone knew but didnt really wanna hang out with unless they had too kinda thing and was one everyone else made fun of i used to rub it off and act like i didnt care and most of time i didnt i go along and make of my self to lessen the pain and hurt but i had always herd that college would be the best time of my life and were i would meet my real friends well in a since thats true i can name about 8 people i know i can count to help me out at given second now your thinking she knows wayy more than 8 people and that is true i know a lot of people here at oc and other uviversities and colleges but thats not what i mean cuz a good majority of them and you all know who are and dont lie to your selves have made fun of me eaither to my face or behind my back or both or my personal favorite pretended to be my friend but reallity you were doing it to boost your popularity and stuff but in real life you could care less how im doing b/c you never bother to ask me how im doing and bty if you do ask people make sure you wanna know the truth with cuz im gonna tell it like it is im not gonna sweet coat it. Now by no means am i saying that im perfect or that i havent done some of this but i have learned to not talk abotu ppl behind their backs and i stand up for those who i know truly care about and actually wouldnt mind giving up their saturday night or more to see me or make the effort to chat with me online or talk to me on the phone and for some of my friends espolly those over seas its a lot harder than those who live here in the states and even eaiser for those who live in the same time zone as me there some of closest friends who have made fun of me granted i probly disvered it cuz i did something stupid and believe i do that a lot so im not saying at those times but when some one does every day or behind my back believe i do find out and even though you dont see the pain and hurt it causes me believe it sucks and it just makes me wounder who really does care who really are my friends and am i really a good person another thing im used to being judged b/c of my weight, my LD, my sickness, and the fact i wasnt raised in the church and people have made fun of me for that and the fact i dont know the bible as well as 95% of this campus which hurts a lot b/c insted of taking the time to talk with me about it and learn about me they decided im hopeless and worthless and i used to think i was something great and spiecal boy was i ever wrong and i have learned that juding people by the outside is worst thing we can do its hard not to i know but i really do try to get to know someone before i judge them what im saying in all of this im now more than ever careful of who i can and cant trust who i open up to and who i dont because most people will throw it back in your face and or use it make fun of you and if you one of those whose uses things like againsst people believe they find out theyre hurt and they lose trust and faith in you becareful how you want to known as and treat people the way you want to be treated and to the 8 whom i trust more than life its self with my secert you know who are thank you for being my real friends...............

help somebody

help somebody Okay so im going on a rant right now but this needs to be said today i was talking with my roomie and she was saying that she thought it was cool that all the art and design and inter design majors were going to wear bandannas becuase a teacher was having brain surgery well in going to class and a meeting she relized out all the girls in the inter design dept she was the only girl who wore and the other girls gave exuses of i wanted to do my fair or i didnt have to match my out fit..... here the thing as Christian we are called to help our brothers and sisters and how hard is it really not to do your hair for one day or not comptley match i mean really is that hard being someone who has had done something crazy for just so i wouldnt be alone gave me more confidence than anything in the world we always say were willing to go the next mile and we talk the talk but in the end are willing to walk the walk i know people who clampain about helping other people if your gonna complain about it or not do it THAN DONT SAY YOU WILL geeze vandanze said it best "HELP SOMEBODY"

the facts of life

THE FACTS OF LIFE as i sit not able to sleep becuase i need to get this off my mind but i want to make this as clear as possible im NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPOTHY OR COMMETS OF YOUR SILLY OR THATS NOT TRUE there some facts about my life i have come accept and i dont understand or see why others cant or resfuse to understand what im saying i have never been the tipical girl the way most girls see is ohh she is sweet but ugly or yeah she is nice but i really dont wanna admit im her friend even now in college that has always been the case now with the guys even now guys have always seen me in one of the fallowing ways 1. " fat ugly stupid bitch' 2. as a someone they want to do just because she has big boobs but dont really want to because shes too fat for fucking words and thats all she be good for 3. ehh she okay shes just one the guys 4. shes a friend/little sister no guy in his right mind would ever see me as anything more and i have always been okay with it even when i had bf thats how i was treated i have never been a "princess" or anything speical and i came to college and for the most part it has been the same but more recently i have had some friends who have trying very hard to convicnce me otherwise and as much as i love them its just not the case i know better and i say this and i wish they would get off my back about it and i wish they would stop saying stuff that will never ever happen granted deep down i would love to be married but i also know in my heart i never will be becuase things that go for most people dont work for me and its something im more than okay with and i promise you there is no guy who would want a girl like me with my past and deal with a girl who ld and other problems so for the sake of being healthy lets get off the this idea and let life go on i have known this truth as far as i can remeber so what would be different from the truth i knew growing up to now nada all i know is im the same girl with the same dreams of graduating college and seeing what God has instore for her

to all the girls

I'm sorrythat i bought you rosesto tell you that i like youI'm sorryThat I was raised with respectnot to sleep with you when you were drunkI'm sorryThat my body's not ripped enoughto "satisfy" your wantsI'm sorrythat I open your car door,and pull out your chair like I was raisedI'm sorryThat I'm not cute enoughto be "your guy"I'm sorryThat I am actually nice;not an assholeI'm sorryI don't have a huge bank accountto buy you expensive thingsI'm sorryI like to spend quality nights at homecuddling with you, instead of at a clubI'm sorryI would rather make love to you then just f**k youlike some random guy.I'm sorryThat I am always the one you need to talk to,but never good enough to dateI'm sorryThat I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,but when we went out you went home with another guyI'm sorryThat I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friendI'm sorryIf I start not being there, and being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new asshole comes aroundI'm sorryIf I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before workI'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.I'm sorryIf you read this and know somebody like thisbut don't care But most of allI'm sorryFor not being sorry anymoreI'm sorryThat you can't accept me for who I amI'm sorryI cant ever do anything right, and nothing that I do is goodenough to make it in your world.I'm sorryI caught your bf with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...I'm sorryThat I told you I loved you and actually meant it.I'm sorryThat I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your bf was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.I'm SorryThat i caredI'm sorrythat I listen to you at night talk about how you wish you could have done something different.Ladies always bitch and bitch to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies next time you're bitching, maybe look up to see who you're bitching to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, repost as "I'm sorry "If You're one of the few girls with enough balls to repost, and you would never make your guy feel this way, repost as "To all the girls who.."