hairless

Well tonight i went to take a shower and shave my legs and i hadnt since the end of nov ( do to winter i dont shave no one sees them any way and if u did u wouldnt have had a clue) any way i looked at my raiser to clean it off and noticed it wasnt hair but my skin yes skin so because of the chemo i have lost my hair on my legs the funny thing it took me by surispse but not really as hard to deal with as when i lost clumps of my hair this summer and so when i noticed this i felt down but not sad its weird to know that where hair once was isnt there any more but yet it dosent bother me as much as i thought it would i knew i would have a good chance of losing hair b/c of the chemo but its wierd b/c my blood and everything else is normal so honestly right now i dont know how to feel im not asking for pitty by any means but when you think you have it rough just remeber there are people who have it much worse than you

are we really christians

wouldnt let me go until i could explaine things back to him and the disabilites support serves dept was amazing people who understood and took the time to make sure i knew i was doing my best and teachers caring about what i was going to do with my future and make sure i did stuff i loved and constly encuraged me to do better than i thought i could and told and challeged me to think outside the box where as the school i go to know i love for the most part and i love most people i have meet but yet i have been hurt by the people by people who call themsleves Christians i have been told to drop i would never make it here or people with really dont have anything wrong with they there just Lazy people i have been told i wouldnt graduate or im failure for not being raised coc or told b/c i question so much and or being open minded im not Christ like and told b/c my parents are divorced im a horrible person and im going to hell for it which im sorry its BS my school prides its self on being "christian" however they are the MOST judmental people i have ever meet and although some of teachers would go out of their way for me most wouldnt care and if they here what im dealing with write me off as hopeless how can be a christian when you judge people and when people are hurting you act like it dosent matter or even try to help them or reach out to them and go the extra mile Christ would have and he would stand his ground im sorry Christ wasnt a white middle class American he was poor Middle Eastern Man who helped others told the truth and stood his ground some stuff to think about it

friends

the truth Well its been awhile since i bloged and something has been on mind for quite some time but i have just brushed it asided as me being my "dumb self" or its not really true its just the depression i have finally decided that what im about to blog about / rant/ change/ point out w/o using names needs to be said and delt with........ on that noete here i go............. I have always been one that people have liked to admit they were "my friends" because i was popular i was nice one i would do any thing for any one ie buy them food send them notes call to make sure they got the hw if they werent in school or see if there was anything i could do for them thats how my kiki (grandmother) and momma tought me to be it called being southern, and restable and helpful however it seems that even in college people were only wanting this to use me thanks to some real friends that pointed this out and who have stood up for me but it has also accured to me that in high school i was one everyone knew but didnt really wanna hang out with unless they had too kinda thing and was one everyone else made fun of i used to rub it off and act like i didnt care and most of time i didnt i go along and make of my self to lessen the pain and hurt but i had always herd that college would be the best time of my life and were i would meet my real friends well in a since thats true i can name about 8 people i know i can count to help me out at given second now your thinking she knows wayy more than 8 people and that is true i know a lot of people here at oc and other uviversities and colleges but thats not what i mean cuz a good majority of them and you all know who are and dont lie to your selves have made fun of me eaither to my face or behind my back or both or my personal favorite pretended to be my friend but reallity you were doing it to boost your popularity and stuff but in real life you could care less how im doing b/c you never bother to ask me how im doing and bty if you do ask people make sure you wanna know the truth with cuz im gonna tell it like it is im not gonna sweet coat it. Now by no means am i saying that im perfect or that i havent done some of this but i have learned to not talk abotu ppl behind their backs and i stand up for those who i know truly care about and actually wouldnt mind giving up their saturday night or more to see me or make the effort to chat with me online or talk to me on the phone and for some of my friends espolly those over seas its a lot harder than those who live here in the states and even eaiser for those who live in the same time zone as me there some of closest friends who have made fun of me granted i probly disvered it cuz i did something stupid and believe i do that a lot so im not saying at those times but when some one does every day or behind my back believe i do find out and even though you dont see the pain and hurt it causes me believe it sucks and it just makes me wounder who really does care who really are my friends and am i really a good person another thing im used to being judged b/c of my weight, my LD, my sickness, and the fact i wasnt raised in the church and people have made fun of me for that and the fact i dont know the bible as well as 95% of this campus which hurts a lot b/c insted of taking the time to talk with me about it and learn about me they decided im hopeless and worthless and i used to think i was something great and spiecal boy was i ever wrong and i have learned that juding people by the outside is worst thing we can do its hard not to i know but i really do try to get to know someone before i judge them what im saying in all of this im now more than ever careful of who i can and cant trust who i open up to and who i dont because most people will throw it back in your face and or use it make fun of you and if you one of those whose uses things like againsst people believe they find out theyre hurt and they lose trust and faith in you becareful how you want to known as and treat people the way you want to be treated and to the 8 whom i trust more than life its self with my secert you know who are thank you for being my real friends...............