Isnt this all a really bad dream?

Isnt this all just bad dream
im still going a million times a minute and feel as though time is going by too slowly and even though the anger, sadness, hurt, frustation, crazyness, confussion and that is all inside me and i havent figured out up from down this side to next  not even sure if everything im enduring is real or is this just a dream i feel as though im laying some where deep asleep and not awake but im watching my life pass by this week but then i wonder if its real because of all the emtions i have  and the tears i have cried seemed real but i feel as this all happening so fast and i have numbed my self to pain and to the fact that this going on but than again i feel as though the talks with friends and people are real but i seem to feel as though the pace making me feel as though as its not real and its just a dream
i still cant believe he is gone  i dont know where he has gone all i feel as though as he with my kiki which helps me move forward but i still havent begain to accept or have hit that this real  i just dont know how to feel think everything going sooo fast and my heart is stuck  not keeping up and i just dont know how or what to think or feel and even know if its real or fake  i dunno im sooo confused i dont even know who i am right now im around people who are laughing and smile and i try to but i just cant find smile and  i dont know when i will  this just dosent seem real  may be this some cural cural joke the unisverse and God are playing on me but im glad he no longer suffering and no longer hating to be here any more  he has left  this world that was not so kind to kind person
i dont even know if im making sense  right now
all know is im in confussed state of mind and i always say im ok
because i dont have a better answer truth be told i dont know how i am because  im going through as is a bad dream or  just not real  my heart dosent even know what to feel
im soo lost right now  i dont know where to start the best thing i can do is be there for others and try to live day to day
but  isnt this all a really bad dream?

heres a little story for you

what do you get when take a tall fit handsome  outgoing guy from the east coast and  shy  quite scared shitless  heavy girl from texas and throw them into a small private christian university   sounds like making of love story or musical but no its the making of  this guy defriending the shy girl and  they become best friends over 10 yrs....  he is her super hero because he stuck by her side through some wonderful highs and some extrame lows  never once made fun of her ( which not something she is used to) she would go see almost all of shows  they  were study buddies  writting buddies by this she would write and stugle to put papers to gather he some how figured out her brain and got them sound  like they should  they stood by each other when their university did some things they didnt agree with he stood by her side as she made some of the hardiest decisons of life by cutting people out she stood by him as he said bye to his mother  they watched each other graduate from college some thing we werent sure if it would ever happen  she watched him get married and finally relize he could not love his wife  the way she wanted  and he found himself     and who he really was and  she cheered him on as he went for a masters degree and became an  freshmen comp teacher at another university. he held her hand as she fought a very weird sickness for 3 years and watched leave to start a life over he helped in very lows at the time despite living in sparte states for a year they knew they eachother  she came back now living in same state for last 3 years they have seen some heavy stuff and they still stick togather  though who knows what the next acts/scenes may be who knows what life will bring them next the music has yet to be written but  she not sure how he has stuck by her side for so long but she knows he is her super hero and would not want anyone else by side  and is uttlerly greatful for him and all he has done  she knows he dosent see this way but he'll never understand the impact he has had on her and her life but  she knows she the luckiest girl ever to have him as her hero her best friend and hopes she never loses him but sooo greatful to spirits, God who ever else was involved in our meetings and sooo glad he has willing stuck around  and proven so many things wrong so to you i thank you i love you