What Hurts the Most is Knowing who you'dbe today

The title of this blog comes from 2 country songs
What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts and Who you'd be today by Kenny Chesney
these songs have been playing on the radio alot and not just country stations and on my ituns/ipad too and i think its because im barley beinging the griving process, you see a year ago this month i lost 2 friends of mine and i havent accepted it, i have been in denial about both them being gone and what hurts the most for me was how close we were and how i know i should  been a better friend and should have been there for them and i wasnt and the thing is i cant for life of me stop thinking of who would they be today and it kills me that i know i own some sort of responabiltly to their passing and in the end i put other things and other people in front of them but i never saw this comming
and my heart hurts so much it cant even begain to explain this
and i know over time i will gain peace with what happend but i also know it will take some time
i struggle with asking for forgiveness from God
when i cant forgive myself
and im hounted by their passing
i know their in heaven and their in a better place
but i wonder if i will ever get over the pain and the hurt
its been a year and i still feel like it was yesterday when all of this happend and the pain is still as fresh as ever.......
ellie and mindy  you will never know what a profound impact on my life and life of all of those who you knew you, loved you and miss  you,  yall never hasted to put others first and help any body in any way  a normal " hi how are" im good  in passing was never enough you always wanted to know everything going on in everyones life  you showed all of us how to love and live
you both made this world a better  place to live and you made all of us who knew you how to be better people so thank you
forever loved and missed

2011 the hope

I cant remeeber the last time if ever i have felt so hopeful for a new year in my entire 28 years of life ( that would be how old i am)
I have a job i love and thats already a better start than how 2010 started
im working on what all i need and want to improve on this year
and what goals i feel i can keep :)
when i know these i  might share or you might see them if you see me in person
now if i get to keep the job i have now then 2011 will be best year yet
i do hope that 2011 is best year for all of my friends and family and that all of your wishes, hopes for this year come true :)
happy new year to all

2010 a look back

2010 was a very rough year
i was very depressed, jobless
lost 2 friends less than  a week and half apart from eachother
lost my faith in many ways but then comes march and i have a job for the end of the year, gained a summer job which lead to my courent job now
and depression getting better
i relized how much better off i was with out my father and gained peace with that  he is an ass and thats okay i relized i have long way to go in my realtionship with God but im working on it very day i put my self in sort of counciling and its been helping alot Loranda your a life savor
i have seen friendship disapear for what ever reason
but i have gained so many more new friends
was able renew and grow old friendships
and seeing me start to change
2010 was a rough year but it wasnt horrible
andd and i got my first speeding ticket ever :(

Christmas Break

yes i know its new years day but since comming back from home i havent had a chance to breath ( but thats not a bad thing) ;)
but i really been wanting to take some time to blog about my time at home for the most part it was fanstic  making firemen smile
and spending time with fam is great and then making my "nices and "newphew" smile and want toys vs play place  is amazing and then seeing my sweet sweet grace go down the slide, walk  when she was never suppose to do this just makes me ubber gubber happy and proud and then spending time with their parents sarah and ginna is just what my heart called for i cant explain what spending time with these group of amazing people does for me and heart
they are beyond a blessing for me
and then spending time with another friend whose known me for so long is amazing
then of course is  my doggies buffy and daisy
then i scored on presents though that wasnt what makes going home worth all pain it is to travel  in pics you will see what makes it worth it me :) and fitting into a shirit i havent since middle school