is it really christmas time?

Today is a Tuesday its Christmas day but as much as i knew it was Christmas day nothing felt like it was Christmas  even with the family here and keep up with tradtions frist time being home since my bops passed and dog passing makes hard to know thats it Christmas it dosnet seem right  dont get me i loved everything i got and despite my family being them still it just dosent seem like its really here or that they are really gone its just too painful to be smiling laughing  seeing pics of them in their last days of alive when they still had some spunk in them litterally has been killing me and its like a joke seeing them in pics but not being here for me to love on and hug and laugh with  and let lick my face and just know everything will be okay  and its just not the same and i know things change but this just feels too soon to be happing and it just dosent feel like i should be here and that holidays shouldnt be here  it feels as though they should be months further away but alas its here  and now almost gone and yet i cant wrap the fact there gone may be it finally hit me they i will never see them again but this pain is more than i can bare and its ahrd doing this alone by self my brother has my sister in law to lean  on and my mom has her finace but me im here alone  and just wishing i had some to give me a huge hug and tell me it will be okay but right now i dont  and hearing stories was too much too bear i couldnt handle it i had to get lost in music just to sit in the same room 
but im glad their out of pain but now i have to deal with my pain  if i can 

i miss you

i have been home for A day and half and im still not used to not being here i keep calling for you and looking for you waiting for to come out of hiding wagging your tail to give me kisses because your beyond happy to see me sleep with me  you were always sooo happy to see me and always seem to be able know when i need some extra TLC or when i need you to just  lay on me to let me know everything will be okay and know ill be safe i no longer have you forto let me know this and i know your free from cancer but it dosent make it eaiser for me just harder because you knew this time of has always been difficult but i never had to say anything you just knew and you knew how to make me feel better and knew extraly what i needed when i needed it but this no longer case i miss you and the house is just too quite and its just not the same and i know things change thats how life goes but it dosent mean its easy and dosent make feel better and its just soo hard because you were my constant my rock for 17 years this soo hard youll never know how much you were loved and how much your missed sweet buffy you were the best dog ever 
i love you 

what is it going to take

what is it going to take for us a human race to stop juding others by the color of skin, what disabilities a person what height weight gay strait bi or what ever and what their spitual beliefs 
 non of this should matter yet this how we judge others on daily basis  and there is no reason because honestly were all the same we all have one head, heart, 2 hands 2 arms 2 legs 2 feet over 200 bones in the body all have one brain yes some work differently some of may not have same mussle build some of may be taller, shorter, skinner  heavier  what ever until you look at person heart and get to know  youll never know their story  or what they have been through  or going through  you by judging someone because they are different is stupid and waste of time and pain ful to all  the point we are all created differently to be different to think differently to act and react to things differently so we can learn how to help others and how  to grow and learn if we were all meant to be the same and think the same and look the same than we would  insted why dont take to figure out why people think they do or believe they do embrace the difference because thats what makes us special and may just may be youll learn more about your self 
so again i ask what is it going to take for us to do this 

roses

yesterday i was in the store and saw some pretty roses not as pretty as the ones you grew but still pretty in their own way ive been seeing alot of roses latly in stores and they always remind me of how much you loved your roses and how much pride you took in all 300 of them and how big and beautiful they were and how you loved to give them away or let brides come and pick them for their wedding day it was such a joy for you and i remeber always going over to your house and getting to smell all the different ones and how smiled when we asked you about them and you explained to me how  pick them when their done growing and that you dont just give roses to just anyone but to very special people  but you could never give me roses because i was too much like your best friend your bride your life i was named after her so i understood and still do but i watched you give her them and her doughter her friends but  it never bothered me you never gave them to me i was okay with it but theses roses i saw yesterday also reminded me  what the different colors mean and when to give and who to give them im very careful who i give them i fallow your advice every day and every day i see roses it makes me miss you and relize you really are gone 

stupid

so you think i was born yesterday and you think i dont know that your lying to me every time i turn around and you think i was born yesterday..... well im not the smartiest, prettiest, most wonderful person you will ever meet  but lets be real im not the dumbiest eaither and i wasnt born yesterday but whats sad you think i am and always will and you have no idea how much pain you have caused me and yet your not the first to do this to me nor will you be the last and now your making your actions lies as well i thought we were making a turn around for the better but it was all lies and i stupidlly feel for them and  now  turns out were right back where we started and im to the point where i just dont care about the sitation any more  and my problem is still do and will always love and care about you no matter how much you pain you cause i will just as i do about all those who have done this before may be i shouldnt care so much or at all but i do may be i care too much and it always burns me  and this all shows me  what your heart is made of and shows me that no matter what you really dont care never have and never will this was all an act well done take a bow  but i  wonderif you relize what this has and will cost you in the end i know the ones before dont have a cluse and more than likely you dont eaither but now i know not to ever trust people again nor to let them in because this is what happens every time............ and all ill be to you is stupid one..........

bleeding

the wound is opend again cut even deeper and longer than last time this nothing new to me i have been many times before  by people whom i thought i could trust and thought loved me  and you told me you were different and that you would never hurt in same way but you did...  the pain is killing and hurt just makes me not want to be here any more you told me you i would always be able to trust you but now just like before i cant trust and know that our trust level will never be the same and just like before you dont care and i doubt you will ever care  people are telling i should ditch you and get rid of you and walk  away but i wont but what kills me we used to be close and we used to talk every day but now you cant even look at me  you act as if im a ghost and you push me further and further away so may be i am a ghost because i know you so well and it scares you and hurts you but what you dont know is how much you have hurt me and how badly you hurt me and  i avoid you to just avoid the situation  your pushing me away has pushed me to the point where i just dont care any more and i dont even know how to be around you or talk to you and  your written words and spoken words mean nothing right now because your actions tell me everything i need to know 

and what youll never know is how heart broken i am and youll never know how or why this kills me but i know you will be fine 

7 years

7 years ago i wrote you begging to know you cared even just a little bit that ll i had ever wanted was knowing some where behind your cural words, hateful actions and just plan meaness i meant soemthing to you but a month after i wrote you, you gave me my answer in the most painful hurtful harmful ways a person can be hurt with out physical abuse and what hurt more is that you did it infront of my dear friends, and fam at time that was supposed to be a happy time and i played like you didnt rip my heart and soul apart and that you didnt kill me and killed my child hood dream of being  your child that you would be proud of and claim as yours nooo insted you used your cural words calling me a thing and waste of time and space and how ugly i was and calling me a lair by saying i didnt look sick and that because you couldnt see it you didnt believe just like with my disabilitly because you couldnt see it you didnt believe its not there, thats this was all an act and  that weekend when we last saw eachother when i talk about it, it still hurts and the pain is just as real as the weekend everything went down and i choose to walk away not because i didnt/dont love you because i couldnt and still cant handle anymore of the pain and hurt you caused and still do and i always wounder what on earth i ever did to you and the more i realize in 7 years im not something you would be proud of never have been never will be  but what hurts most of all is i have left this door open for 7 years and line commucation for you to just try one time thats all i ever asked and in 7 years you could never do this not once could you make the affect so my biggest fear and my saddest realization is the fact i never have and never will mean anything to you at all and your supposed to be the one person i could always count on but i never have  and never will
you never knew me never tried to know me
i guess to you all i ever was and ever will be is a waste of time
and im one who left to hurt and suffer but whats sad for you that you choose to miss out and you choose not to love or care and that is saddest thing of all

perfection

last 4 months life has thrown at me litterally everything it possible could have  and i wont get into all of that those who have been around  know what im talking about  and it has meant the world  and ill be honest my depression has been bad latly which is understandable but i hate it cause there times i  have rough days and i cant explain why  im falling apart on the inside but on the outside i look like i have it all togather and that everything is fine and alot of it is me not wanting to deal with it and pretending everything is okay and knowing that i cant fall apart again for it might cost me my friends  and right to me i cant handle that but ohh yesterday had to be the best day  it was perfect  i got to meet a new friend which im excited about i got to spend some good quality time with my best friend  who has been aboustly amazing i really have no idea what i would have done with out his love and support  and just being there for me  that has been speaking valumes on sooo many levels and im soo thankful for you and everything you have done   for the last 10 yrs but espically this last year  thank you friend than i got to have dinner with my sister who i dont get to see every often but cherish the time we do spend togather because she aboustly amazing  and i got to spend 30 mins on the phone ( which is a long time for me) with my other sister and that was just wonderful and im soo thankful for all of you  my dear old friends who know me and who never judged me or put me down or made fun of me im sooo thankful  and most of all im thakful that the stars alined, unisvere/ God all allowed for me to see/talk to you in one day  i know im still dealing with everything and fighting my depression but for one day i can honestly say it was good day i was able to smile my real smile and  know that these days will come back right now they may be few and far between but to know they will come again and yall all had a part to play in it means the world  thank you for sticking by my side and not giving up one  me
i love you more than youll ever know
thank you to Universe/stars/God for allowing a day of perfection

I challange you.............

On wensday the students at my school and even those of us on staff  were at an assymbly  for a movement called  Rachel's Challange which you can go here to find out who rachel is and find out more about the challange which was for students to see past prejudice ie a pre judgment of someone because their different but to actually get to know someone and to go the 2nd mile for people we dont know its easy for all of us to do it for people we do know but its harder when its a stranger and her challange also was to make sure to do or show kindness to everyone you come a cross.
I love this challange and am taking it to heart i have always tried my best to do this and ill be the first to admit im not always the best at it and there times i dont want to or feel i do more than my fair share and i have made judgments of people  but this really touched me in such a way i want issue you the challange to look past your prejudgement  of someone because  you dont agree with on a political stants or about reglion, or faith or may be you dont like someone because of their disability or race  or their size being to big or too small  color hair or the fact that they have tattoos   may be you judged someone for getting a divorce or because they  had a child out of wed lock  but what you more than likely dont know is the why someone thinks the way they do or  why they believe what they believe  or  why they have a disability or  why they are so big or small or why they had a child out of wed lock  or had a divorce   and judging them can come making fun of them to their face or behind their back or even gossiping about them or listening to the gossip with out finding out the truth  you have no idea what that person(s) is going through or how they feel but i urge to not only see past the judgement but to talk to them you never ever know it could change their life who knows it could change your own life  and by doing this not only could possibly make a new friend  but you could see things from others points of view and learn  and grow but also and possible the most imporant thing of all you could  see their soul and  see what kind of person they really are and  who knows you may have planted a seed of kindness in them and in the world..........
the question is do you accept the challange?

Isnt this all a really bad dream?

Isnt this all just bad dream
im still going a million times a minute and feel as though time is going by too slowly and even though the anger, sadness, hurt, frustation, crazyness, confussion and that is all inside me and i havent figured out up from down this side to next  not even sure if everything im enduring is real or is this just a dream i feel as though im laying some where deep asleep and not awake but im watching my life pass by this week but then i wonder if its real because of all the emtions i have  and the tears i have cried seemed real but i feel as this all happening so fast and i have numbed my self to pain and to the fact that this going on but than again i feel as though the talks with friends and people are real but i seem to feel as though the pace making me feel as though as its not real and its just a dream
i still cant believe he is gone  i dont know where he has gone all i feel as though as he with my kiki which helps me move forward but i still havent begain to accept or have hit that this real  i just dont know how to feel think everything going sooo fast and my heart is stuck  not keeping up and i just dont know how or what to think or feel and even know if its real or fake  i dunno im sooo confused i dont even know who i am right now im around people who are laughing and smile and i try to but i just cant find smile and  i dont know when i will  this just dosent seem real  may be this some cural cural joke the unisverse and God are playing on me but im glad he no longer suffering and no longer hating to be here any more  he has left  this world that was not so kind to kind person
i dont even know if im making sense  right now
all know is im in confussed state of mind and i always say im ok
because i dont have a better answer truth be told i dont know how i am because  im going through as is a bad dream or  just not real  my heart dosent even know what to feel
im soo lost right now  i dont know where to start the best thing i can do is be there for others and try to live day to day
but  isnt this all a really bad dream?

heres a little story for you

what do you get when take a tall fit handsome  outgoing guy from the east coast and  shy  quite scared shitless  heavy girl from texas and throw them into a small private christian university   sounds like making of love story or musical but no its the making of  this guy defriending the shy girl and  they become best friends over 10 yrs....  he is her super hero because he stuck by her side through some wonderful highs and some extrame lows  never once made fun of her ( which not something she is used to) she would go see almost all of shows  they  were study buddies  writting buddies by this she would write and stugle to put papers to gather he some how figured out her brain and got them sound  like they should  they stood by each other when their university did some things they didnt agree with he stood by her side as she made some of the hardiest decisons of life by cutting people out she stood by him as he said bye to his mother  they watched each other graduate from college some thing we werent sure if it would ever happen  she watched him get married and finally relize he could not love his wife  the way she wanted  and he found himself     and who he really was and  she cheered him on as he went for a masters degree and became an  freshmen comp teacher at another university. he held her hand as she fought a very weird sickness for 3 years and watched leave to start a life over he helped in very lows at the time despite living in sparte states for a year they knew they eachother  she came back now living in same state for last 3 years they have seen some heavy stuff and they still stick togather  though who knows what the next acts/scenes may be who knows what life will bring them next the music has yet to be written but  she not sure how he has stuck by her side for so long but she knows he is her super hero and would not want anyone else by side  and is uttlerly greatful for him and all he has done  she knows he dosent see this way but he'll never understand the impact he has had on her and her life but  she knows she the luckiest girl ever to have him as her hero her best friend and hopes she never loses him but sooo greatful to spirits, God who ever else was involved in our meetings and sooo glad he has willing stuck around  and proven so many things wrong so to you i thank you i love you

open letter to my friends....

Dear Friend of mine,
i can see the  pain in your eyes, your shacking like your scared to death, your voice is the sound of child who lost and scared and i know you said you needed to talk... let me easy your mind  calm your fears listen to what im about to tell you friend no matter whats going on no matter what you have to tell me no matter what your going through i want you to know you cant lose me and that im here for the long haul ill talk your louad and walk with you ill stand by you till the end i will lift you up and hold you close  i will protect you from harm i will be your friend through thick and thin...
you told me  how you have a problem with drugs and or achohol, you, your hurt your self  with sharp objects, you decided you no longer needed or wanted to eat or make self sick if you did  you caused harm to someone else physically, emontionally, verabally sexually  that your gay
Dear Friend of mine please know that i know this difficult for you say and im honored you told me please know that your secert is safe with me  and you do not have to worry  even with this going on your still my friend and i will stand by you and that im in here for the long haul you cant lose me  but most of all

DEAR FRIEND OF MINE YOU ARE NOT MINE TO JUDGE, YOU ARE MINE TO LOVE AND I LOVE YOU DEAR FRIEND OF MINE..............

lacey and marge's epsoide 2 :)

a couple of weeks ago i meet up with my sweet friend lacey and we decided to try another new  place  we choose a place called fuzzy tacos and me being from south texas  fuzzy tacos is a scarry scarry thing however i put my brave face on and this place uses extramly bright colorful colors almost neon  colors ( which is scary) but the way they did  its not ( thank goodness) and than we decided to walk along the cannal and we found an area where they spray area of sorts and we got wet and than we walked more and found a candy company in okc where you actually order sandwhichs ( we will let you know how they we havent tried them yet) and than we tried gelto ( sp?) and ohhh my gosh its better than ice cream i kid you not i need some now  it was amazing and they of course had every kind of candy you can imgaine  and soda of all kinds  i cant wait to go back i love that i get to explore the city i live in sooo much fun  espically with an amazing person like  lacey
have a great day

Lacey and Marges Adentures eposide 1

why hello out there ( if anyone reads this ill be shocked)
so i havent blogged in awhile and im sure you all very upset with me well ive been a tad bit busy with work, summer school  seeing fam, spenditng time with fam and what not but the most imporant and will be a kinda running them mixed with other blogs but my friend Lacey and i have been exploring downtown and south side since she moved down there it has been an abousult blast
our first adenture first for me was getting to her house which aboustly amazing i love it  ive told if she ever sells it im buying it  period :) and way on our first adventure we decided to find a place neither of us had been to or herd of so we tired a place called Texadelphia this place is amazing everything made from scratch and freshly made daily  yumm yumm  home made ranch, ranch- bbq, and more :) they have salads,  philly sheese steak sand, made with meat or chicken, burgers,pinis and more its soooo good and all come with chips n salsa which is great or you can get their waffle fries and those are amazing lacey i got both and split to try the sides and they were sooo good
and it was fun to drive around down town and explore :)
stay tuned for more eposides :)

This Blog is not about me but for someone who made this world a better place through the way she treated people, how she showed love and God to others, her work, her love of life and her fight with cancer which you can read about here she byfar one of the most amazing people i have ever met

this quote (at the bottom of entry) to a small degree describes her and her heart Sarah is her name and she lived  each day as it was her last  and she loved helping others and teaching in  an inncer city and her faith was amazing  and she was a humble heart i can say that all of us who have had the priviagle to know Sarah are the lucky ones  she was one who was looked up to and  respected and thats how she treated and she tought us to see beauty in the small things i say this while at hospital one  the janitors were going to get rid of a leaf that had a cocon on it for with a catpiter in it and she said no we have to save it for it will become a beautiful butterfly ( not exct story but close) and  know that was the kind of heart she had  she is one of kind and we need more like hers  Sarah Thank you for teaching us to see beauty in everything and teaching us to enjoy life no matter what you are missed daily 

I believe God does the most amazing things with the most humble of His people... just like a butterfly do not see their beauty.... some of His angels here on earth do not see their worth either... Know you are Blessed and He is using you for great things ~ Karen Kostyla ~♥~

how do you want to be measured

okay so its been over month since my last entry its not like any one actually reads this but im need to write about something
my heart has been sadded by something latley i have been noticing alot of people i know judinging others or being juged by others and i for life of me cant figure out why
i know for a fact For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. john ch3:17
did we as christians for get this very imporant factors and why do we always look at the plank in our brothers eyes before we do so in our own matthew 7:3 i know alot the time we feel as though our sin isnt as bad as someone elses well the truth is sin is sin and its all the same to God and he is ONLY ONE WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO JUDGE ANY OF US PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it makes me so sad to see my firends doing this but also upsets me because it makes me wonder what makes them think their better than the person they are judgeing and makes wonder why they think they have the right i mean Jesus wasnt with the rich and wealthly he was with the sinners and the poor he was with the ones who needed him most so i wounder why insted of judging someone for what they do or who they are why cant they look past it i mean if you want to judge them fine but just remeber
matthew 7:1-2 Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. and i know i have been judged by socity, friends, classmates, family for many things from the issues with my disabilities to weight, the way i dress to way i treat others, or the fact im just plain different and i cant even begain to explain how much it hurts and how hard it is to face it day after day but i also know that im a better person for it and to my friends who have been judged others im so very sorry i know how it feels personally and it breaks my heart for you because yall so amazingly wonderful i love you just the way you are and im sooo thankful for you and you all be stronger people
if you have been judging someone i ask you to take a moment and ask your self is this how i want to be judged? is this fair? how can i make this persons life better? by being there for them or doing something for them is this how i want them or others to treat me?
just some food for thought

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU '
means that I accept you for the person that you are,
 and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. 
It means that I will love you and 
stand by you even through the worst of times. 
It means loving you when you're in a bad mood or 
too tired to do things I want to do. 
It means loving you when you're down,
 not just when you're fun to be with. 
I LOVE YOU means that I know your deepest secrets and 
do not judge you for them,
 asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine.
 It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and 
that I love you enough not to let go.
 it means standing by you through thick and thin and it means you mean the world to me it means you cant lose me