7 years

7 years ago i wrote you begging to know you cared even just a little bit that ll i had ever wanted was knowing some where behind your cural words, hateful actions and just plan meaness i meant soemthing to you but a month after i wrote you, you gave me my answer in the most painful hurtful harmful ways a person can be hurt with out physical abuse and what hurt more is that you did it infront of my dear friends, and fam at time that was supposed to be a happy time and i played like you didnt rip my heart and soul apart and that you didnt kill me and killed my child hood dream of being  your child that you would be proud of and claim as yours nooo insted you used your cural words calling me a thing and waste of time and space and how ugly i was and calling me a lair by saying i didnt look sick and that because you couldnt see it you didnt believe just like with my disabilitly because you couldnt see it you didnt believe its not there, thats this was all an act and  that weekend when we last saw eachother when i talk about it, it still hurts and the pain is just as real as the weekend everything went down and i choose to walk away not because i didnt/dont love you because i couldnt and still cant handle anymore of the pain and hurt you caused and still do and i always wounder what on earth i ever did to you and the more i realize in 7 years im not something you would be proud of never have been never will be  but what hurts most of all is i have left this door open for 7 years and line commucation for you to just try one time thats all i ever asked and in 7 years you could never do this not once could you make the affect so my biggest fear and my saddest realization is the fact i never have and never will mean anything to you at all and your supposed to be the one person i could always count on but i never have  and never will
you never knew me never tried to know me
i guess to you all i ever was and ever will be is a waste of time
and im one who left to hurt and suffer but whats sad for you that you choose to miss out and you choose not to love or care and that is saddest thing of all

perfection

last 4 months life has thrown at me litterally everything it possible could have  and i wont get into all of that those who have been around  know what im talking about  and it has meant the world  and ill be honest my depression has been bad latly which is understandable but i hate it cause there times i  have rough days and i cant explain why  im falling apart on the inside but on the outside i look like i have it all togather and that everything is fine and alot of it is me not wanting to deal with it and pretending everything is okay and knowing that i cant fall apart again for it might cost me my friends  and right to me i cant handle that but ohh yesterday had to be the best day  it was perfect  i got to meet a new friend which im excited about i got to spend some good quality time with my best friend  who has been aboustly amazing i really have no idea what i would have done with out his love and support  and just being there for me  that has been speaking valumes on sooo many levels and im soo thankful for you and everything you have done   for the last 10 yrs but espically this last year  thank you friend than i got to have dinner with my sister who i dont get to see every often but cherish the time we do spend togather because she aboustly amazing  and i got to spend 30 mins on the phone ( which is a long time for me) with my other sister and that was just wonderful and im soo thankful for all of you  my dear old friends who know me and who never judged me or put me down or made fun of me im sooo thankful  and most of all im thakful that the stars alined, unisvere/ God all allowed for me to see/talk to you in one day  i know im still dealing with everything and fighting my depression but for one day i can honestly say it was good day i was able to smile my real smile and  know that these days will come back right now they may be few and far between but to know they will come again and yall all had a part to play in it means the world  thank you for sticking by my side and not giving up one  me
i love you more than youll ever know
thank you to Universe/stars/God for allowing a day of perfection