is it really christmas time?

Today is a Tuesday its Christmas day but as much as i knew it was Christmas day nothing felt like it was Christmas  even with the family here and keep up with tradtions frist time being home since my bops passed and dog passing makes hard to know thats it Christmas it dosnet seem right  dont get me i loved everything i got and despite my family being them still it just dosent seem like its really here or that they are really gone its just too painful to be smiling laughing  seeing pics of them in their last days of alive when they still had some spunk in them litterally has been killing me and its like a joke seeing them in pics but not being here for me to love on and hug and laugh with  and let lick my face and just know everything will be okay  and its just not the same and i know things change but this just feels too soon to be happing and it just dosent feel like i should be here and that holidays shouldnt be here  it feels as though they should be months further away but alas its here  and now almost gone and yet i cant wrap the fact there gone may be it finally hit me they i will never see them again but this pain is more than i can bare and its ahrd doing this alone by self my brother has my sister in law to lean  on and my mom has her finace but me im here alone  and just wishing i had some to give me a huge hug and tell me it will be okay but right now i dont  and hearing stories was too much too bear i couldnt handle it i had to get lost in music just to sit in the same room 
but im glad their out of pain but now i have to deal with my pain  if i can 

i miss you

i have been home for A day and half and im still not used to not being here i keep calling for you and looking for you waiting for to come out of hiding wagging your tail to give me kisses because your beyond happy to see me sleep with me  you were always sooo happy to see me and always seem to be able know when i need some extra TLC or when i need you to just  lay on me to let me know everything will be okay and know ill be safe i no longer have you forto let me know this and i know your free from cancer but it dosent make it eaiser for me just harder because you knew this time of has always been difficult but i never had to say anything you just knew and you knew how to make me feel better and knew extraly what i needed when i needed it but this no longer case i miss you and the house is just too quite and its just not the same and i know things change thats how life goes but it dosent mean its easy and dosent make feel better and its just soo hard because you were my constant my rock for 17 years this soo hard youll never know how much you were loved and how much your missed sweet buffy you were the best dog ever 
i love you 

what is it going to take

what is it going to take for us a human race to stop juding others by the color of skin, what disabilities a person what height weight gay strait bi or what ever and what their spitual beliefs 
 non of this should matter yet this how we judge others on daily basis  and there is no reason because honestly were all the same we all have one head, heart, 2 hands 2 arms 2 legs 2 feet over 200 bones in the body all have one brain yes some work differently some of may not have same mussle build some of may be taller, shorter, skinner  heavier  what ever until you look at person heart and get to know  youll never know their story  or what they have been through  or going through  you by judging someone because they are different is stupid and waste of time and pain ful to all  the point we are all created differently to be different to think differently to act and react to things differently so we can learn how to help others and how  to grow and learn if we were all meant to be the same and think the same and look the same than we would  insted why dont take to figure out why people think they do or believe they do embrace the difference because thats what makes us special and may just may be youll learn more about your self 
so again i ask what is it going to take for us to do this 

roses

yesterday i was in the store and saw some pretty roses not as pretty as the ones you grew but still pretty in their own way ive been seeing alot of roses latly in stores and they always remind me of how much you loved your roses and how much pride you took in all 300 of them and how big and beautiful they were and how you loved to give them away or let brides come and pick them for their wedding day it was such a joy for you and i remeber always going over to your house and getting to smell all the different ones and how smiled when we asked you about them and you explained to me how  pick them when their done growing and that you dont just give roses to just anyone but to very special people  but you could never give me roses because i was too much like your best friend your bride your life i was named after her so i understood and still do but i watched you give her them and her doughter her friends but  it never bothered me you never gave them to me i was okay with it but theses roses i saw yesterday also reminded me  what the different colors mean and when to give and who to give them im very careful who i give them i fallow your advice every day and every day i see roses it makes me miss you and relize you really are gone 

stupid

so you think i was born yesterday and you think i dont know that your lying to me every time i turn around and you think i was born yesterday..... well im not the smartiest, prettiest, most wonderful person you will ever meet  but lets be real im not the dumbiest eaither and i wasnt born yesterday but whats sad you think i am and always will and you have no idea how much pain you have caused me and yet your not the first to do this to me nor will you be the last and now your making your actions lies as well i thought we were making a turn around for the better but it was all lies and i stupidlly feel for them and  now  turns out were right back where we started and im to the point where i just dont care about the sitation any more  and my problem is still do and will always love and care about you no matter how much you pain you cause i will just as i do about all those who have done this before may be i shouldnt care so much or at all but i do may be i care too much and it always burns me  and this all shows me  what your heart is made of and shows me that no matter what you really dont care never have and never will this was all an act well done take a bow  but i  wonderif you relize what this has and will cost you in the end i know the ones before dont have a cluse and more than likely you dont eaither but now i know not to ever trust people again nor to let them in because this is what happens every time............ and all ill be to you is stupid one..........

bleeding

the wound is opend again cut even deeper and longer than last time this nothing new to me i have been many times before  by people whom i thought i could trust and thought loved me  and you told me you were different and that you would never hurt in same way but you did...  the pain is killing and hurt just makes me not want to be here any more you told me you i would always be able to trust you but now just like before i cant trust and know that our trust level will never be the same and just like before you dont care and i doubt you will ever care  people are telling i should ditch you and get rid of you and walk  away but i wont but what kills me we used to be close and we used to talk every day but now you cant even look at me  you act as if im a ghost and you push me further and further away so may be i am a ghost because i know you so well and it scares you and hurts you but what you dont know is how much you have hurt me and how badly you hurt me and  i avoid you to just avoid the situation  your pushing me away has pushed me to the point where i just dont care any more and i dont even know how to be around you or talk to you and  your written words and spoken words mean nothing right now because your actions tell me everything i need to know 

and what youll never know is how heart broken i am and youll never know how or why this kills me but i know you will be fine